Parenting Toddlers

A reader recently commented on a post I wrote about separation anxiety. Here’s what she writes:

I could really use some advice here, but this is not the normal situation. My granddaughter lives with me right now. Her father has gone and is MIA from her life and has been most of her life. She is only 19 months. Her mother, my daughter, is in school. Her Godparents love her, but they want to keep her every weekend for 3 days. The first weekend it was ok, but this weekend she was freaking out and would not eat for them. I feel in light of what she has gone through at such an early age, she is in fear that I will leave her al well as her mom and dad when she goes with them. I feel they should have her every other weekend for a couple of days, not sure about the 3 days. Please give me your feedback.

I would love to hear from other parents, and I’m sure this grandmother would as well. My own opinion is that you’re absolutely right! Your granddaughter (I’m assuming you are the grandmother, though that may just be sexist of me) has had some pretty serious upheaval in her life. She saw one of the people that is always supposed to be there basically disappear. While it’s great your daughter is in school, your granddaughter may also see this as a type of abandonment (NOT saying that it is, but just how a very young child may perceive it.) It is wonderful that she has you and her godparents. I agree with you, though, that she needs the utmost stability right now. Shuffling between households gives her the impression that she doesn’t really have a home, that she is being passed back and forth. I think that she needs to be with you as much as possible. The godparents can provide a nice place to go occasionally, when she’s ready. That may mean once a month or every other week, whatever she is comfortable with. And three days away is a very long time for a young toddler. Maybe one night spent there would be better - or even just a day until she feels more secure.

I don’t know the legal arrangements, if any, you guys have about custody. If it’s entirely your decision, though, I would really think about cutting those visits with the godparents. It’s not to say they aren’t great people and that she loves them, but right now, stability and a sense of home is the most important thing. She’s clearly not comfortable being away for that long. Why force it? I think you’re right that she feels that you will abandon her as well. She doesn’t have a complete grasp of the situation, but it is certain that she feels unsafe at this time. She needs stability so you can build up her confidence and her sense of place in the world. She basically doesn’t have that at this point, and the more time you can give her, the more she will be convinced that you will stay with her and she with you.

You seem to know really well what your granddaughter needs. If the godparents have her best interests at heart, they’ll agree to limit their visits until she is ready for more. A good solution may be a day at their house per week or every other week, or even a day they come to your house and play with her. Overnights may be too much for her right now. You really have to go by what she wants and needs. The grownups have to be willing to work with that.

What a hard situation for you. I hope you and the godparents can work together to make this time easier for that little girl.

Does anyone else have some words of wisdom/encouragement? We’d love to know your thoughts/suggestions. Thank you.