Parenting Toddlers

The appeal of Super Nanny for me is that it makes me feel like a great mom…my little angels would never act like the monsters on that show, I think smugly. Then, Peanut usually throws a tantrum or spills something on the carpet for the tenth time, and I feel a little ridiculous for thinking myself better than anyone else.

I watched Super Nanny last night - I don’t usually watch it but I was flipping through the channels and landed on it. The show featured Nanny Jo helping a family with not one but TWO sets of twins. The eldest set was four and the younger two and a half. Oh my goodness…I have nightmares that aren’t that scary. I cannot imagine. I don’t want to imagine. Anyway, the problems had to do with discipline and eating, mainly. Everyone was fighting and getting away with it, pinching mom and everything. At dinner, the younger twins refused to eat real food. Their parents would puree whatever dinner was and force feed it to the younger children. When that turned into a losing battle - as it inevitably did - they resorted to jarred baby food. For children who were almost three.

I remember thinking: wow, I’d go nuts. Peanut can go to the fridge and get herself an apple or a carrot. She can wash it in the sink by pulling a chair up. Anyway, at night, all of the children got a bottle. The four year olds included. At bedtime, a diaper (or nappy) went on all of the children. The four year olds included. When the poor mom tried to take them all for a walk, it was just an exhausting experience.

I knew immediately that I wanted to write a post on this, and I planned what I’d write in my head. I’d criticize the parents parenting and write how it should be done, how I myself would handle those children. How I’d wean them and make meals times much smoother. And then, I realized something. It is very easy to tell people what they should do. This is part of what makes Super Nanny such a fun, infuriating show to watch - you can be the expert and feel superior to the people struggling with their children. So I decided not to be that person, that person who judges. It is not up to me to criticize anyone, not when there are a a million things I could do better myself.

When it comes down to it, no one else is your child’s parents. They can give you advice, they can tell you what works for them, they can show you how it worked with their children - but they aren’t the ones in your home with your children. It is hard to be a parent, and it is even harder when you feel like people are judging you. I think I’m rambling here: my point is twofold.

One - if you are a parent who is struggling with your children, ask for help. You don’t have to go on Super Nanny, but you can ask trusted friends and relatives for suggestions. If you don’t have anyone you feel understands you, go to the library, go online, research different techniques, tailor them to fit your kids, and try them. If they don’t work and you’ve given them a chance, try something else.

And two: if you are a parent and you see a friend or family member struggling with their kids, do not jump in and give unsolicited advice. It probably will not be taken, and you will anger and alienate someone who needs all the support she/he can get. It is so so tempting to give your two cents - and you do it with the best intentions, but this is thin ice you’re skating on. Obviously, if you see parents abusing their kids or doing something unhealthy (like smoking in the same house or something like that), you should step in, but otherwise, unless you’re asked, it might be best to stay out of it. Or you could broach it in a nonthreatening, nonjudgmental way. Don’t act like you’re an expert, because you are assuredly not an expert with their children. You may have some great ideas, and you may want to share them. This is great; but don’t make the other parent feel like they’re horrible.

I have ways with my parenting that other people may not agree with: I do not enforce a strict bedtime for Peanut (though with preschool, that will change - for now, we’re good); I allow her to make her own decisions on a lot of things, like what to wear, if she wants to wear a hat, etc.; we are thinking about homeschooling her and/or her brother if it is right for them and for our family; we let her watch UFC with her father. I know I could do many things differently, but if I need or want advice, I’ll seek it out. I have no problem asking my mom friends like Randi or my own mother or mother-in-law for tips or suggestions. What I do have a problem with is people criticizing or implying criticism of my parenting.

This post turned into something completely different than I planned. I was actually going to talk about a technique Nanny Jo used…next post, I promise. And sorry about the rambling rant - I guess I had that on my mind!