Parenting Toddlers

Z is my almost 9-year-old daughter who absolutely loves cats. At one time it was to the level of perseveration but now it’s down to the dull roar of an obsession. She is in 3rd Grade this year with a teacher who has M&M collectibles all over the classroom. Guess what she wants to find for her teacher’s collection? An M&M cat. I can count on one hand the number of times Z has brought home books from the school library and the book wasn’t about a cat.

When Z was 4 years old, our neighbors adopted a cat. Z sat in our driveway for hours, day after day, waiting for even the smallest glimpse of that cat. If the neighbors were outside with said cat, Z literally could not contain herself; she looked as if she would crawl out of her skin if not allowed to go over to their house and touch the cat. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

There is something that is unique to that first child. Parents often don’t know abnormal from normal unless it is physically obvious or very blatantly apparent in other ways. From infancy I knew something wasn’t following the usual course of development for Z, but I could not put my finger on it. It was as if we were not bonding, but I couldn’t put it into those words at the time.

I did make enough comments on a parenting forum that someone came out of the woodwork and suggested that Z was not attaching, but the suggestions given only made matters worse. Years later we know that Z was attaching and bonding fine. It was her language, self-regulatory and social communication development that were seriously impaired. It just wasn’t blatantly obvious until well into toddlerhood.

The first thing I noticed is that her language was not developing along the same plane as her same-age cousins. She had words, yes; the number was well within the normal range for toddler development. What nobody asked me was how she used the words, and I never did verbalize my concerns well enough to for my doctor to catch on to the fact that Z’s language was largely echolaliac and she was unable to hold a conversation.

I also began to notice that Z did not play with other children. Toddlers typically parallel play, but as Z’s peers began interacting in their play, Z continued to isolate herself. She cataloged her friends not by their names but by the toys in their bedrooms. As far as Z was concerned, her peers were simply pieces of furniture.

Z had many collections. Everywhere we went, she would zero in on anything that could be construed as a collection. Cats, as I already mentioned, topped the list, but it could be anything at all. A series of books, a set of Disney blocks, a set of plastic figurines, etc. Z carried the collections everywhere she went. No security blanket or teddy bear for Z — she had her collections. Playing with her collections meant that Z would line them up in a circle around her, and heaven help anyone who dared to touch or move them. Hour after hour she lined them up, took them down, lined them up and took them down.

Once K became mobile, she pushed him down and slapped him if he dared to touch her collections. By the time K was 2 and Z was 4, she physically attacked K with only the slightest provocation, which was rarely his intention. K began exhibiting signs of anxiety, such as keeping his hand perpetually clenched. Z was in developmental therapy by that time so we mentioned them to one of her therapists, who brought K into some of Z’s therapy session to teach Z more effective ways of communicating with K.

At the any perceived injustice or change in plans, Z threw herself on the floor kicking and screaming at that top of her lungs for hours. Toddlers are soothed by predictable, consistent routines. For Z, they were key to her ability to function. We became adept at keeping 1-2 steps ahead of her and preparing her for every turn. When plans changed, the first top of conversation was how to help Z weather the change and make the transition as well as possible, resulting — we hoped — in the least amount of fall out as possible.

None of the 30+ professionals who evaluated Z were able to figure out what caused so many difficulties and hiccups in Z’s early development and why she closely resembled a child with autism. Some thought Z would some day be diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome; others disagreed but still didn’t know what was affecting Z’s development. In the end, they settled on Developmental Language Disorder and Regulatory Disorder “with austic behaviors.” Z spent so many hours in therapy each week that it literally became a lifestyle for almost three years.

What an intense initiation into life with a toddler! Thankfully most develop along a typical developmental pattern and their frustrating habits are not as intense, but if you do live with a high needs, intense toddler, you’re not alone.

© Copyright 2007 Rebecca Wilson.  All Rights Reserved.
Used with permission.