Parenting Toddlers

I’ve been having guilt pangs today. Since about Tuesday, the Little Guy has been an absolute beast. I know many parents would not refer to their children publicly as beasts, but there you are. Screaming fits, fever, diaper rash, three teeth coming in, screaming fits, lethargy, lack of appetite, and screaming fits. It’s been fun at our house. And Peanut. This girl is awesome. She’s funny and sweet and smart and energetic. Mostly energetic. She recently got a new bike, her first two-wheeler with training-wheels, and loves it. She wants to ride all the time. She wants me to ride with her or go to the playground or make sidewalk pictures with chalk with her. And I can’t. The baby won’t let me put him down. When he does fall asleep, I have to work or clean. I put things off and spend what time I can with her, but it’s not enough. A lot of the time, she’s out riding her bike on the sidewalks in our apartment complex (away from the driveway and where I can always see her) by herself. Or drawing by herself. Or watching Curious George by herself. I was always a pretty solitary person, even as a child, so I don’t realize the impact on her sometimes. She’s so social, so outgoing, and definitely needs and wants someone to play with.

I feel bad. I feel horrible. I feel like I’m choosing the baby instead of her. When her father’s home, he’s the one who ends up doing more activities with her, like gardening or fishing. Why don’t we do more together? Good question. I don’t know. I could just take off with her some evening and play at the park or something, but when her father gets home from work, I like to all spend time together. I sound whiny, but I feel like I’m neglecting Peanut. And oddly, I feel like I’m neglecting the baby half the time too. At this point, it’s impossible to take him to the beach or playground because he shoves rocks or other nasty debris into his mouth. Instead of playing with Peanut I either have to chase the baby around constantly or put him in his stroller, which he doesn’t like when he sees his sister playing in the dirt.

I feel especially guilty because Peanut spent the night with her grandparents and is still there, and the only thing I really feel is relieved. I’m glad she’s not here because then I don’t have to feel bad about telling her I can’t play with her right now. I feel bad because I hope they keep her for the morning so I can get some things done while the baby naps.

I know when the baby is a bit older and gets over his need to chew on rocks, I can take them both out to play and not have to worry about him choking. I can take them to the beach. I can do all sorts of fun things - but what about now? Now, I just feel crappy. I feel like I’m shortchanging both of them. I don’t know how people handle three, or four, or five kids.

I guess what I can do is to make the time. Leave the baby with his father and take Peanut to the park for an hour when it’s possible. I can stay up a little later at night working so I can use baby nap time to paint with Peanut or watch her ride her bike. She’s been such a huge help since the baby has been born, helping to clean, fetch diapers, even share her toys. She is very good with the fact that since the baby can’t do anything really for himself, he needs more of us. She knows this, and that makes it worse for me that there is less for her. Not less love, but just less of me.

I love both of my children - they are the sun and moon to me. They’re both so precious - but it can be hard juggling them and paying attention to all their needs. Especially at the same time!