Long Winter
“Depression is the inability to construct a future.” I found this quote about depression, and it seems very true to me. I’ve never heard that but when you have depression, you can’t even think of what’s next. It’s too overwhelming.
It is the middle of winter, and I feel like the walls are closing in on me. When we go outside, the snowbanks are taller than Peanut. It’s often too cold to take both Peanut and the Little Guy out. All I want to do is crawl into bed and hibernate like a bear until April. Then, I can pop out, take a walk in the sunshine - or even the rain. I don’t care. I don’t have seasonal affect disorder (SAD). I have depression, and winter seems to be making it worse this year. When you have a toddler - full of energy and life - it is really not an option to wallow in your depression. How can you deal with the demands of your toddler when you just don’t think you can make it through the day? I sometimes think of what it’ll be like when the Little Guy is a toddler and Peanut is older, and they’re both running around. Instead of thinking how nice it’ll be that they can talk to each other or go outside and play together, I think of the chaos that I’ll have to deal with, and I don’t feel up to the task.
I’m sure there are lots of parents out there who struggle with this, and it is hard. It is really hard feeling like you are failing your kids, and not being the parent you could be. After Peanut was born, I went through a period of euphoria. I loved being a mother, and I loved all the time I spent with Peanut. This lasted less than a month, and then I felt my mood tumble. I got irrationally angry - more than anger, almost rage - at my partner. I didn’t want to do anything. Then I got sick with pancreatitis and had to spend a week in the hospital. Peanut was three months old. When I got out, I didn’t want to take care of her. I never felt like hurting her, but I didn’t really want to deal with her. Finally, I plucked up my courage and went to my doctor. I was able to make the appointment and tell the nurse and my doctor that I was having some postpartum depression. This wasn’t entirely the truth because I’ve had it as long as I can remember, but it was so much easier to admit to postpartum depression for some reason.
My doctor told me that I would probably always have to be on a medication and that I should just think of it like a vitamin that I take. She also gave me my best advice; not to have an ideal that I pressured myself to live up to. Sometimes I just had to be good enough to make it through the day. After the Little Guy was born, I didn’t have the month long euphoria - it was straight to feeling depressed. I’d stopped taking medication while I was pregnant because I kept getting conflicting advice about what was safe, and I hated the thought of hurting the Little Guy. I told that to my doctor and told her that I didn’t want my children to end up like me. She said that the best thing to do then was to take care of myself. Children model what they see, and I will be damned if my kids end up depressed - if I can at all help it.
I feel like it’s starting to take root again, and I feel myself wanting to shut down. Meanwhile Peanut is the Tasmanian Devil with enough energy for ten people. So what do you do?
When she was a baby, my method was to make a list. My “This Is What I Have To Do” list. Have, as in absolutely essential. So for a while, my list was like this: 1. Take a walk.
And that’s it. Of course, I had to care for Peanut. But taking a walk was the extent of my obligations. When I was able to cross that off, I felt less pressure. Then if I could get anything else done, it was extra, and if I couldn’t, I didn’t “fail” for the day. Gradually my list got longer. 1. Take a walk. 2. Do the dishes. 3. Get groceries…
I eventually started doing some part-time work, and that helped me feel better too. I was able to stay at home with Peanut but also do something non-Peanut related. Now that it’s starting to come back in full force, I think I have to do my list again. 1. Exercise. 2. Read to Peanut. Do you see how easy and basic these items are? It’s ridiculous, I know. But it’s the only way I don’t feel overwhelmed. I see that I don’t have to do everything in one day - a craft, books, playing Lion King, going outside, taking a trip somewhere…cleaning, doing the laundry, finishing work projects - I can do them all, but I should give myself a few days! I realize that many people do not have this “luxury.” They have to haul their depressed butts off to work for ten hours, and then come home and be with their children, when all they want to do is sleep.
Forgive the long post - I was just wondering what other people did. Beyond seeing your doctor and getting help. How do you deal with the everyday demands of toddlers when you are dealing also with depression? It’s tough. Does anyone else struggle with this? What do you do that works for you?
February 8th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Oh my darling, darling Katie. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. I haven’t talked to you in a few days, and I know how much you hate the phone, which is why I don’t call. I would LOVE it if you picked up the phone and called me once in awhile.
Even though you come clean with your depression, I feel like you isolate yourself, which is actually a symptom of depression. You hibernate in your home. I know I usually felt better if I got out and spent time with others - please, PLEASE come out and play! Leave the kids with their dad and come out and play for awhile.
What do I do when I get depressed? First I recognize that yes, I am depressed. Second I tell myself that I don’t want it to get the best of me. I don’t like my life to be controlled by anything, so I start trying to figure out how I’m going to beat it back. Sometimes I take LONG hot baths or showers and think about all of the good things in my life. Sometimes I think about what I have to actually be depressed about.
Then I get moving. I get up, I get dressed, I put makeup on, I shave, ect. I make myself a LONG list to do - cleaning, cooking, ect. I schedule out my day strictly so that I have no space to be depressed. I pat myself on the back if I get 50% of my list done, and downright cheer if I get more than that done.
Sometimes I take the kids to the park and watch them play. Or take them out in the snow and try to get into their imaginary world with them. Sometimes I think about the future, and about how wonderful it will be to watch Toad get his first date, and how sad I’ll be when they marry (followed along by how happy I’ll be when I get grandchildren).
I think, for me, the biggest thing about MY depression is to acknowledge that it’s there - cry it out a little - act a bit nuts for a bit - and then deal with it. Someone once told me that the best way to deal with something is to acknowledge it and wallow in it for a bit. After you’ve wallowed for a bit, you can then move on with your life and do what YOU want to do.
NEVER let anything control you babe.
February 10th, 2009 at 8:03 am
Katie - my thinking on this is going to come across as strange to many people, but totally natural to anyone who has ever studied NLP. So bear with me because this is NOT a jab or in any way meant to hurt. Let it change your thinking.
Being depressed takes a lot of work. You have to make certain pictures or movies in your mind. You have to talk to yourself in a certain way, and you have to hold your body, physically in a certain way. Usually you have to look down a lot, and you have to imagine how hard things will be over the course of the next minute, hour, day, week, etc. All of that is a lot of hard work.
Now - please do this exercise right now. Seriously. Take a break from reading this and sit in a chair and get really depressed for a moment. Tell yourself all of the crappy things you need to tell yourself and make all of those bad mental movies. Get really depressed. Do this for about 30 seconds and then read the next paragraph. (do it now, seriously!).
Ok - now do this: Again try to get really depressed but this time make the following changes. 1) you HAVE to look up towards the ceiling (not straight up, but say up towards the left or right - actually move your eyes upwards). 2) Sit up straight and breath more deeply while you do this. Try to be depressed now. Spend 30 seconds.
Ok. I really hope this little exercises showed you something that you probably never realized. Depression is a STATE. It is connected to your physiology (what you do with your body). States are created, also, by what messages you give to yourself through pictures, self-talking, mental movies, etc. Most of the time people do these things totally unconsciously. So when I asked you to do it consciously it probably sounded a bit insane. I know … sorry.
Understanding this is step one. Then you need to learn the tools to break down the daily pattern of things you HAVE been doing to create depression, in order to instead create joy.
I once heard a story about a little girl who got frustrated because she didn’t know how to untangle her sheets. But she learned how to do it once somebody showed her how. The person that showed her also learned a lot about knitting, which was something that made her feel proud. It’s awful hard to feel depressed when you are so proud of yourself in that moment. It’s great to have a choice.
It’s funny how once the patterns of a bad behavior are broken down, they can start to be replaced with more useful patterns almost automatically. Screaming children stop screaming because they have new solutions.
I like to think of myself as just a big child. It reminds me that I can always learn new things.
HIGHLY recommended resource (major influence on me) http://www.MikeMandelHypnosis.com
March 1st, 2009 at 8:28 am
Katie… I hear you girlfriend. I’m in a sunny location, and it isn’t the weather that is getting me down… it is the day in, day out, burden of looking after my 2 and a half year old. It is never ending, and I’m just not getting a break… and the thought of a WHOLE day, from 6am to 7pm of being his main source of entertainment is just totally tapping me. I’m exhausted and the thought of this going on and on and on for weeks, months, even years, is depressing me. I’m just hoping I will be in a better space soon. I love my son more than anything… I just find myself exhausted with the constant demands and battles that I’m faced with every single day. I’m tired. Angie
March 1st, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Angie, I’m glad you said this. I feel exactly this way so much, but it seems taboo to say. Everyone expects you to say that your child is your life and you love every single second with them. I know my kids are my life, but honestly, they wear me right out. Some days, I would give anything for a nanny. It is really hard for me, too, to think about months and months of this, so I try to do it one day at a time. Sometimes, even that’s hard! So I think about the morning, and then naptime, and then afternoon.
I know how you feel. You know what? Try putting on a movie for your son…I don’t know how you feel about TV, but even something like Curious George or Clifford is educational. Put something on and just sit on the couch and read. Or draw or knit or just sit there and daydream - do not clean or do laundry. Relax. If you need to do this everyday, do it. Do something to give yourself a break even when your son is with you. I would always nap or exercise when Peanut was napping so that really helped. Let me know how you’re doing. I hope it gets better.