Parenting Toddlers

All right, who’s ready for separation anxiety?

… Anybody?

Too bad, you’re getting it anyway. At least, your kid is. It’s what kids do, especially little ones. And it’s a huge pain in the butt.

So what can you do about it? Lots of things, actually. Toddler separation anxiety is fairly simple to do with — at least, the actions are easy to perform. It does take time, patience, and consistency. It also takes a whole lot of not losing your temper, which is quite difficult. Here are a few things to start you off:

Prepare your kid for the separation. Start letting him know before you have to be separated that you will be separated, that there’s a reason for it, and that you’ll be reunited. Also let him know what he’ll be doing while you’re apart and what you’ll be doing during that time frame as well. “Tomorrow, Mommy’s going to go to a long meeting at work — she’ll be sitting in her office all day, and you get to spend the whole day with Grandpa!” How soon you should do this varies by how long you’re going to be separated — if you’re only going to the supermarket, you can probably let your little one in on it an hour beforehand; if you’re going on a week-long vacation, you should start preparing him about a week in advance.

Make sure your child knows you’ll be back. Make it a point to tell your toddler what you’re going to do and approximately when you’ll be back. “I have to go to the store now, but I’ll be back in just a little while.” You don’t have to get granular with exact time frames — a toddler doesn’t know the difference between “ten minutes” and “two hours.” Your toddler will understand that “Mommy will be back,” though, and it helps to have a specific point of reference in which to imagine you. It’s easier for a kid to think of Mommy at the market or at Grandma’s house than it is to try to imagine what Mommy might be doing, and it cuts a lot of anxiety. This way, Mommy isn’t wandering off into the void in your child’s imagination.

Practice those time frames. Your toddler isn’t going to understand “ten minutes” for a few years yet, but keep using reference phrases like “in a little while” and “tomorrow” even when you’re not leaving. Tell your child that dinner will be “later,” that bedtime is “in a few minutes,” or that you’ll go to the park “in the morning.” This will help her to start forming standards for these concepts; she’ll start getting the feel of what you mean by “a little while” or “sometime.” For big separations, like the aforementioned week’s vacation, try to find a way to make the length of the separation seem less daunting without misleading your child about it. Don’t tell her you’ll “be right back” when you’re headed for the airport; this may save immediate tears, but will make her more insecure about your absence in the long run, because she’ll feel that she can’t trust what you tell her. Try something like, “Mommy’s going to be gone for a while and it will feel like a very long time, but I promise I will be back in a few days.”

Make (a little) separation habitual. Attachment parents are going to howl over this one, but I think it’s good advice: Start getting your toddler used to the idea of spending time away from you by setting up daily “alone time.” Let him play in his room with the door shut for an hour, or — if you can afford it — hire a sitter for a couple of afternoons per week. Use your separation techniques for these periods just like you would for real separations; tell your child what you’ll be doing, what he’ll be doing, and when you’ll be back. Introducing the idea that “Mommy is closing your door now, but I will open it again in just a little bit” and then doing so, consistently, will make your kiddo feel more secure with other separations.

Teach your child how to soothe herself. Let her use what she needs to get her through the separations, whether it’s a special blanket or a picture of you. Teach her that these special objects can help keep her company and help her remember where you are. “When you look at your blanky, remember that Mommy’s going to be sleeping under a very fluffy blanket in the hotel and missing you very much!” Encourage her to attach stories or memories to these objects, and consider keeping a couple of things that are specifically for separations. Teach her songs or short poems she can hum or recite to herself when she gets lonely, and make sure that her caretaker while you’re away will participate in reassuring discussions of what you might be doing or when you’ll be back.

Give him free rein. When you return from a separation, give your kid a little uninterrupted, uninhibited time with you. Don’t immediately plop him in front of the TV or put him in his room; even if you have other things to do, your toddler needs to fill you in on what happened while you were gone and reassure himself that you didn’t forget about him. Let him know that at the end of a separation, you’re still his Mommy (or Daddy, or grandparent…), and you’ll always have time for him.

I’m sure I’ve forgotten things, here. How do you guys deal with this issue? I’ll try the top-five thing again; send me your solutions to this problem and I’ll post the top five in a coming entry.