Parenting Toddlers

As with most things in life, there are two sides to this issue. Should you fight in front of your children? Dr. Phil says absolutely not, that it’s closely akin to child abuse. In fact, is child abuse. Others say that children need to learn how to resolve problems and seeing an argument might actually help them become better communicators. Well, I guess it depends on the time of fighting, doesn’t it? Some parents have fights that are nothing but terrifying for children. Name calling, yelling, screaming, threatening, swearing - all of this is tremendously damaging for children. Of course it is - how could it not be. The two people who are supposed to take care of you are screaming at each other. At the very least that fosters insecurity. At worst, it creates scars that can be very very difficult to heal from. I think that if you fight like this, do not do it when your children are anywhere in the house. Newsflash, parents: your kids can hear you. And they’re scared.

On the other hand, if you argue with your partner in a nonthreatening way, that may be ok, according to some studies. A new one published in the Journal of Child Psychology says that watching you sort problems out can be beneficial. From an article on MSNBC.com:

“In some ways, kids benefit from seeing their parents disagreeing — and even being mildly angry,” says study co-author Patrick Davies, a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester. “It gives them a lesson on how you can come to a mutually acceptable solution through compromise.”

It may be more realistic to expect some disagreements than to vow never to argue in front of your children. Disagreements happen - the thing is to deal with them in a constructive way. Say you and your partner are arguing about whether or not to go on vacation to Disney Land. He doesn’t want to because it’s expensive. You want to because you went there as a child and it’s your favorite memory. Both valid arguments. If you validate each other’s opinion and work out a compromise - such as going somewhere closer and less expensive or saving up and not going on vacation this year - then your children see that it is ok to disagree, that you still love your partner, that they’re safe. This is the type of arguing that is ok to do in front of children. It’s all about subject matter too. Don’t choose to accuse your partner of cheating on you when the kids are trying to watch cartoons or something. That’s a serious issue with lots of yelling potential and can be very damaging to children. Get them out of the house before you do this. So Disney Land, yes, cheating, no.

Any thoughts on this? My partner and I very rarely fight. When we do, I tend to just not talk to him. When he comes in a room, I leave. He comes into that room, I leave. This is no small trick given our small apartment! But when we’re ready, we discuss it. We’ve argued in front of Peanut about little things, but never in a way that causes her to become scared. This is really what you want to avoid. Kids may not really understand what you’re talking about, but they know when there is anger. I feel really strongly about this because my father used to do this. It absolutely terrified me - I still have problems with confrontation because I think it’ll escalate this that point (see, you can blame all sorts of things on your parents!).

The rest of the MSNBC article discusses the study, if you want to check it out. To be balanced, here’s another link for a post on never ever fighting in front of your children.