Parenting Toddlers

Randi, who wrote this blog before me, has the two most well-behaved children in the history of the world.
My fiance had lunch with Randi, her husband, and her children at a busy restaurant. We had to wait awhile for the food, and my daughter would have required a LOT of distraction so she wouldn’t go nuts. These kids sat pleasantly and colored or talked. My favorite part: they started a mini-argument about who got to play a video game first when they got home. Randi and her husband stayed out of it, and the older child said, “Ok. You can play it first because I played it first yesterday.” I was amazed. I grew up with five siblings, and we probably would have been hitting each other at this point. The younger child said, “Thank you.” And that was that.
I don’t know what she does to them! When Peanut gets upset - really really upset - she immediately assumes the tantrum position. She arches her back and falls to the floor. Her face gets all red and she looks like a crazy woman. There’s no talking to her at this point. She doesn’t hear me - or doesn’t listen anyway.
I have to just ignore her until she winds down to whimpers. The funny thing is that it is hard to know what will set her off. Usually, she’s the most mellow kid ever. She picks up when I ask her to. She cleans up after herself when I tell her to. She goes to bed when I tell her to. She’s great. Then, I’ll ask her to pick her Cheerios off the floor and throw them away. She’ll just come apart. She can go for a LONG time too! So, what should I do in this situation? Here are some expert tips for dealing with a temper tantrum:

Ignore your child. This is really hard to do because tantrums get under your skin like nothing else. Just stay calm…yelling at your child will definately not help here, neither will spanking. It will make them cry harder, you’ll get madder, and nothing good happens.
Just sit there and go about your business. If you’re at home, go into another room. Tantrums are about attention. That’s why they’re so theatrical and dramatic. Don’t try to talk, soothe, discipline. Just stop and wait for it to end.

Be consistent. Sometimes tantrums occur in stores when your toddler wants a treat. If you give in sometimes but not others, you’re giving your child mixed messages. Make sure they know what to expect. Before you go into the store, say, “If you’re good, you can pick out a treat.” My daughter likes little 25 cent crackers. If she’s not good, she doesn’t get them. End of story. No exceptions. That way she knows she has to listen. If you don’t choose to get your child a snack (because they should behave without bribery or dinner is soon), make sure they know it before you go into the store. Be clear - they’ll usually listen if you tell them the reason simply and firmly.
Also, don’t take your child into the store when he’s tired or cranky or hungry if you can help it. This is great fodder for a tantrum.

Your toddler picks up on your moods. When you’re grouchy or impatient, they seem to take longer to do everything. Don’t snap at them. Make yourself calm down. If you’re calm, they’re calm. Let them take their time if you can.

Have a regular routine. This way your toddler knows what to expect.

Don’t give in during a tantrum…if you do, your child will know that it is a great way to get what she wants. That means even more lovely episodes in the future.

Send your child to his room. Close the door or put up a gate so they don’t get out. They’ll wind down without having an audience.

If your child is kicking and punching and thrashing around, restrain him gently so he doesn’t hurt himself. Also, if he is hitting you, DO NOT put up with it. Hold his arms, or better yet, put him in his room. Don’t let your child think it is ever ok to hit you.

Try to stop tantrums before they start. They usually occur when children are tired, hungry, or otherwise cranky. This doesn’t mean you have to give into all of your child’s demands when he’s tired or hungry. It means that you have to make sure to speak extra nicely and softly and reasonably. Remember, don’t give in once you’ve made your decision.

After you’ve dealt with the tantrum, hug and hold your child. This lets them know that even if you said no and they behaved badly, you still love them. This is so important for little kids to know. You can try talking about what is wrong but don’t push it. Be calm.

When Peanut has a tantrum, her father gets a little offended, like she’s doing it directly to piss him off. Remember that yes, of course they want to get to you. That’s why tantrums are so effective. They want to get their way. But you are an adult…deal with it. It is perfectly normal and it will pass. Your child loves you more than anyone in the world - she looks to you for guidance and acceptance. Let her know her behavior is wrong but you love her. Teach her how to calm herself down and to listen to you.

I was ecstatic two weeks ago when I realized that Supernanny was once again on television! I found Supernanny Jo Frost a few years ago when she was an unknown nanny up against a couple of shows that were similar. I started watching and found myself enthralled. Here were these little, snot-nosed brats destroying their homes and hitting their parents and siblings and the parents just stood there and took it! I couldn’t believe my eyes! I was an only child, and I never, EVER would have dreamed of hitting my mother. What kind of parents were these?

From what I’ve seen, most of the parents on Supernanny truly do care about their children, they just don’t know what to do. It’s like they expected each child to come with a detailed instruction manual. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen. They give in to their children in order to stop the crying/fussing/hitting/tantrums, and then wind up regretting it later. If there’s one thing I know about kids, it’s that if you give them an inch when they’re whining, they’ll take a continent.

I have to admit that I’m a little in love with Jo Frost. All of her techniques are, in my opinion, common sense, but that’s what makes them so wonderful! They teach parents how to have bounderies without being mean and unreasonable, and to enjoy playing with your child as well. I remember one episode where she made the parents play with a bunch of toys while the kids watched with her from outside - the kids had never before seen their parents play.

Do I think that Supernanny is the answer to everyone’s prayers? Of course not! Unless, of course, you can have Jo in your home helping you out. What Jo provides is basic answers for the most frequent, and sometimes the most extreme, problems. Just like with Dr. Phil, it’s up to you to recognize if your child needs more discipline and structure, like the kind that Jo stresses. Here’s a tip: if your toddler is biting, kicking, hitting, pushing, destroying toys or other objects, refusing to go to bed, or throwing huge temper tantrums in the floor, you might want to think about getting one of Jo’s books or tuning into her program…

Time to talk about discipline. How do you discipline your toddler? Now a days, most people use the time out chair. I believe that the time out chair works, IF the parent is able to stick to it. So how does it work? Basically, you simply give a warning to your child. You explain, “this is your warning. If I have to speak with you again, you will be going in the time out chair.”

The next time they act up, you have to put them in the chair. Giving them another warning or ignoring what they’re doing will show them that they can do whatever they want because you’re not punishing them. Place them in the time out chair and explain that they will have to sit there for x number of minutes (one minute per age of child). Now, HERE’S where the tricky part comes in. No matter what your child does, even if they yell or bawl, DO NOT TALK TO THEM. You have to pretend that they’re not there. If they get out of the chair, don’t say anything, just snag them up and plunk them back down in the chair and stat the time over again.

WARNING: this may take a long time the first few times. You may find that they will spend 20 or 30 minutes in the chair due, mainly, to the fact that they won’t sit down. THIS IS OKAY. They didn’t learn how to sleep through the night in one evening, they’re not going to learn that you mean business in one day either. I guarantee, though, that if you stick with this, within a few days or a week your toddler will know that they need to listen to you or that there will be consequences.

I’m always curious what other people have on their book shelves. It’s one of the first things I check out in homes, offices, classrooms, etc. Primarily I’m simply curious, but I’m also looking for common interests and new reading ideas. If I’m at a home where I’m highly impressed with the parents, I look to see what parenting books they have on their shelves. When at family’s home where I know they read a lot of interesting books to their children, I seek out their shelves of children’s books. (more…)

Another Sunday rolls around, but what a special one it is!! Happy Mother’s Day Ladies!! Where has the time gone? I did not think a single week could fly by so very fast. Next week is going to be even more hectic around here, but here’s wishing you and yours a nice, peaceful Sunday full of rest and relaxation!

THE SUNDAY SIXTEEN

1. This coming Tuesday Alex gets his tubes put in. With as much pulling on his ears and smacking at the side of his head as he’s been doing, we can’t wait until he gets some relief!

2. We got our family photos back and they are awesome. I’ll be putting in a link to our photographer’s website and posting some of the photos as soon as I can get them correctly resized to work on this page.

3. Alex has learned how to pull himself up on the couches. Every day is full of up, giggle, down, giggle. Up, giggle, down, giggle. And so forth.

4. Best Mom movies this week: Dreamgirls. There is some seriously amazing singing in this film. Jennifer Hudson proves that American Idol judges don’t know jack squat.

5. Alex’s favorite foods this week: homemade macaroni and cheese (just like his mom), Gerber Graduates Turkey Stew, White Cheddar Cheez-its, and of course, strawberries.

6. New words we’ve tried this week: puppy, apple, and please (which comes out more like peas).

7. Hubby found out this week he’s going to have to work the summer in Charleston. Good on some points, but Alex and I will still miss him like crazy during the week when he’s not here!

8. Alex continues to get himself stuck between the slats on his crib (with or without his bumpers, it’s the same). He has the worst looking bruises on both his legs (he usually gets stuck up around his thighs). He’s only 16 months. To me that’s too early for a toddler bed right? But I don’t think I can keep running the risk that we’ll have to cut the crib to get him out next time, or that he might break his leg flailing around to get loose. So now what do I do? Any tips?

Alex and his Daddy

9. Everything needs to be clean according to Alex. He cleans off the coffee table with one big sweep of his hand. He’s cleared out the DVD rack, the bookshelf, the toybox, and even the drawers in his room (apparently the clothes should be out and on the floor, NOT neatly folded in the drawers).

10. Alex got his first “professional” haircut this week. We went to a Snip-Its here in Greenville, and he was a perfect angel! They even used the buzzer on him and all he did was giggle!

11. Muggy, muggy, muggy. It’s been rainy, hot, or both here this week. Not sunny enough for the little pool, but still okay for occasional wagon rides around the block.

12. Alex’s favorite book this week, Baby’s First Library ABC by Yo-Yo Books. It’s a board book, and teaches the ABCs. Very colorful, very durable, and apparently, also very interesting to a 16 month old.

13. I got a neat little latched basket for my sewing stuff for mother’s day. It’s so neat. Before you get the wrong idea, I don’t sew as in darning, I just do cross-stitch. Don’t got thinking I’m domestically talented or anything.

14. Great Saturday for yard sales! We hit a few community yard sales and racked up! New toys for Alex, a golf bag, a pitcher for the excessive amounts of sweet tea I drink every week, and a game called Fact or Crap. Anyone played this?

15. We’ve started doing time outs when Alex misbehaves. So far it usually just ends up with more screaming, and Alex never sits in one place very long, but he is definitely getting the idea that he did something wrong.

16. Best Blogs to read this week - Mama Doggy Love - her post What’s In a Name? had me rolling, it’s so much like my hubby and me, only with the roles reversed! (except for the sleeping in of course), Plus her Poopy Girl reminds me so very much of my own Abby Labby. Toy Bender - he keeps me updated on all the IMPORTANT toys, more specifically, the ones I remember from when I was a kid! Just For Kids - this one has some awesome links, and some great, great posts.

Remember those pearls of wisdom your parents always had? You know, things like “Your bed is not going to make itself!” and “It doesn’t matter if you WANT to take a bath, you still HAVE to take a bath.” At the time I remember these things just chapping my nerves. Probably because I recognized them to be right, and didn’t appreciate the fact that ‘right’ and ‘what I want to do’ were not the same things. One particular favorite of my father’s when I was growing up was “Whining about it isn’t going to get it done any faster.” And, at the risk of sending him into gleeful convulsions of laughter and multiple renditions of “I told you so”, I have to finally admit he was right.

I can only admit that now as a parent though. The daughter part of me still rebels at HAVING to vacuum, or HAVING to do the dishes, even in my own house.

But my son is now determined to teach me (rather thoroughly I might add), that when he doesn’t get what he wants, or when he has to do something he doesn’t choose to, whining (often at the top of our lungs) shall commence. It works rather like an alarm clock really.

Step one:
Alex has somehow snatched the phone off the table and is gleefully dialing 911 or any other random number to tell them all about his “Diesee” dog and his “kitty cat”.

Step two:
Mom tells Alex we do not play with the phone, the phone is not a toy. When this gets ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSE WHATSOEVER, Mom has to take the phone away from Alex.

Step three:
Alex’s face crumples into the epitomie of horror and frustration. This is usually paired with a glare that clearly says “How DARE you!” The mouth opens.

Step four:
The alarm begins to sound. The shrill whine escalates until even the animals are running for cover, trying desperately to escape “THAT SOUND”.

And so on and so forth, until something else, usually yet another item we aren’t supposed to be playing with, catches Alex’s eye and the entire process begins again.

Wanna come visit?