Parenting Toddlers

Here are some adjectives that describe Peanut:

Sassy, bossy, talkative, playful, energetic, creative, smart, beautiful, independent. And talkative.

It is the combination of these traits that I love about her, and I try to encourage them in her. Except for bossiness! And sometimes talkativeness. I am an introvert. I have days when I’d just rather not talk to anyone! But Peanut and her father…talk, talk, talk. The Little Guy could go either way at this point. Right now he pretty much sticks to “Mama” so that’s fine with me. Anyway, independence is one of the most important things I can foster in her. I don’t want her to depend on others for her happiness or well-being when she’s older; I want her to rely on herself and make herself happy and whole.

So we’ve been encouraging little bits of independence. For instance, we live in a safe neighborhood in an apartment complex. (Even in safe neighborhoods, you can’t be too careful.) The buildings form a U with the playground at the open end. A friend of mine lives across the parking lot with her partner and daughter, who is a bit younger than Peanut. I let Peanut run over (staying on the grass) and say hi and play for a few minutes with the little girl. I do this because I trust the mother and because I can watch her like a hawk from our place. It is like supervised independence.

We also allow her to go outside and run. She needs to do this sometimes in the evening because she has an energy surplus. Anyway, she is allowed to go down the sidewalk right in front of our place, run and run back, or in the backyard where we can watch her from the back door. She also takes chalk and draws on the sidewalk right out front. I watch her from the dining room window, so I know she’s safe. Again, it gives her a sense of being able to do something on her own, but we can be at her side in a second if she needs us, falls, or if a car or stranger appears. We are super-vigilant about stuff like that because a toddler can have independence to only a safe extent. They are not able to handle strangers, so you always have to be in ear/eye shot of your child. I’m not necessarily recommending that you have to let your child go outside if you’re not comfortable with that. I am only because I can see her all the time and she is very good about staying in the designated area. If you don’t feel that’s safe, you can allow your child to play in his room by himself or in a room while you’re in another one. Whatever it is so he can have some independence that is safe.

Sometimes we give her some independence when she takes it. For instance, if she said, “Hey Mom, can I go pour myself a cup of milk?” I would say, “No, I’ll do that for you. You can hold the cup and I’ll pour.” But one day, she came in with a cup of milk. “Where’d you get that?” Her father wasn’t home, and I didn’t get it. She’d done it herself. Getting a clean cup that was on the counter, she put it on a kitchen chair. She got the milk, which was light enough for her to lift and poured it. I was surprised she could do that on her own, but she could. Soon after, she started getting herself her own cup of Cheerios and milk. As long as the milk jug isn’t full, she’s all set.

I’m all for kids doing things for themselves. We make Peanut clean up after herself, and after her brother a lot of the time too. I know this isn’t fair, but we’ve told her that her brother isn’t old enough so we all have to help out. The other day, she was so proud of the baby when he was able to put the blocks they were playing with back into the box - so he’s learning to be a bit more independent too!

I think that toddlers need a balance of independence and help, and they set the pace. I would never have let Peanut do the milk thing, but that turned out great. We also let Peanut have a lot of choice, which encourages independence. She picks out her own clothes (so sometimes she wears pajamas to the store. So what? She’s three!), she puts on her own shoes (sometimes they’re on the wrong feet, but it’s more important to me that she gets pride from doing something herself. We can work on right/wrong feet), she picks out books and movies at the library. She does a lot for herself, which I think will be really useful when she’s older. It’s not so important that they get things “right” at this point but that they feel the confidence to take the risk and do things themselves.