Parenting Toddlers

Some days, I think Peanut just popped right out of the womb talking. This kid goes on and on and on. She is also very sassy. She’s getting a bit too sassy for my liking - I don’t want an automaton for a child, but she is sometimes too willful. She also has taken a liking to hitting or pushing her brother. The Little Guy is almost eight months old, and he can do all sorts of things now. He’s crawling, pulling himself up and using furniture to “walk,” grabbing toys, and playing. He also loves to grab fistfuls of Peanut’s hair and yank. It really hurts. But she retaliates by hitting him. She sometimes pushes him for no apparent reason.

Putting Peanut in timeout does not really work for us. She can wait it out. I have no problem believing that she could sit there for hours, patiently plotting her revenge. So we started taking away one buddy each time she hit, pushed, or in anyway hurt her brother. This worked at first - these incidences decreased by quite a bit. But they picked back up when she realized that she could just wait it out and get the buddies back in a few days.

I think part of her problem is that she’s over the honeymoon stage with her brother. Since he’s more active, he’s more like a person with whom she has to share us. He takes up more time and is not just a fun doll. So part of the solution to this hitting/pushing problem for us is to make sure Peanut gets her share of attention. This can be difficult on days when you have to get projects done, clean, cook, care for the baby, and do errands. But I’ve carved out a rough schedule so I can get everything in. It’s important to remember to spend time with the older child. It’s easy to forget because at this point, Peanut is much more self-reliant. She can get herself a snack, play, go to the bathroom, get books, and entertain herself. I think maybe I take this for granted and think she doesn’t need as much from me. But she does. It’s hard for me to do things with just her during the day when her father is at work, but I can turn the focus on her even when the three of us are together. On walks, the Little Guy sits and plays in the stroller, leaving Peanut and me to talk. We chat about this and that, and she gets up and walks some of the way with me. This way, no one is neglected! It is the same when we read. The Little Guy loves books - chewing on them mostly - so he listens, and I can talk to Peanut about the story.

Another part of the hitting issue is that she’s a toddler! (Although, I think technically, I’ll have to start calling her a preschooler. This is frightening to me.) She is testing her boundaries and our reactions. This is where it is doubly important to be consistent. We tried the buddy thing for a while. It didn’t work for us. When this happens, feel free to change things up. There’s no sense doing the same thing over and over again. So we’re going to try cuing her once or giving her one warning when she hits. If she does it again, she goes up to her room. We did this last night, and it seemed to work well.

If it progresses, then we’ll make a chart. Each time she pushes or hits her brother, we’ll put a frowny face or an X or something for that day. If she gets ten or so a week, she loses Grandma Day. I’m betting it’ll only take one lost Grandma Day to fix the problem. If you do something similar, make sure to follow up! If you say that she lost a privilege, take it away. Don’t relent. If you do, this tells the kid they can behave as badly as they want all week and then make a nice, sweet face and you’ll do what they want. Don’t give in. The chart gives you something concrete to point at, and for kids, it is a symbol of authority. The chart says you lost Grandma Day. You can point to it and have a visual reminder of behavior. For instance, the other day, I told Peanut that she could have ice cream if she helped weed in the garden. She pulled a weed, then went off to play. Then she expected ice cream. I told her no. “You didn’t do the work, so you don’t get the treat.” (Which means Mommy didn’t get the treat either.) If I had said, “Ok, we’ll get ice cream,” it would have completely undermined my authority. Next time, she’d be even less likely to work.

One other good idea that my partner’s mom had. The other night, Peanut had a snack in the living room. The Little Guy reached up on the couch and took a piece of food off her plate. Her father took it from him and warned Peanut to keep her food out of reach. It happened again, so Peanut got in trouble for leaving her food where the baby could get it. Here’s the suggestion the famous Grandma gave us: Instead of just disciplining Peanut, make sure you discipline the baby where Peanut can see. We have started telling the Little Guy NO in a stern voice when he does something like play with the plants or electrical cords (in a room full of toys, these are what he goes for.) So, we could say NO, very sternly to the baby. And then deal with Peanut. It shows her we are being fair and that we don’t favor the baby. I think this will go a long way in helping her over this pushing stage.