Parenting Toddlers

Sometimes life is dirty. Sometimes Mom gets dirty too.

I found this by chance the other day and had to share it. It kind of speaks for itself so here it is:

I am so sick of moms who seem to stop caring about how they look just because they have kids. Seriously, how hard is it to blow dry your hair and put a swipe of lipstick on before you leave the house? I had to spend extra time assuring my husband that I wouldn’t let myself go when we had kids because he’s seen it happen so many times. Wouldn’t you agree that they are giving us moms who still have some self-respect a bad name? — Get Your Roots Done Already!

This was on the site Babble. And the response (which you can read here) was all about moms not having time, support, or resources. Or simply not caring about putting on lipstick before going to the playground. Some people are those put-together types that always look great, have spotless homes, and spotless children. How they accomplish that is beyond me. I can manage one of those at a time, sort of. Maybe half of one of those things at a time. Who has time? And I’m a stay at home mom. I theoretically do have the time to shower, shave my legs, pretty up my face, and actually put some product in my hair. Sure. And then, I can look stunning while I play in the dirt with the kids? Or while I feed my son whose favorite thing to do is sneeze when he has a mouthful of oatmeal?

Why do new moms let themselves go? Maybe some of us don’t have the genetic makeup of Angelina Jolie or the luxury of having a trainer and/or chef. Maybe it takes someone over a year to lose weight from the baby so she feels kind of frumpy and doesn’t want to buy clothes that (hopefully) won’t fit in a few months. And sleep. Forget it. When babies are young, it is a treat to get two hours of sleep in a row. When your baby is napping during the day, you don’t want to put on some makeup, you want to rest. Why should I put on my pearls and heels to vacuum or go to the grocery store? It’s ridiculous. I find the person who wrote this to be absolutely ridiculous. Even worse? Her husband. Making her promise not to let herself go after she had kids? No pressure to lose baby weight there, huh? I put enough on myself, I would freak out if my partner insisted I lose weight inhumanly fast.

Even worse than that? Her agreeing and seeming to take pride in that. What? Are you kidding? Why take pride in having an a$$ for a husband? When you’ve just given birth, you’re a queen. I don’t care if you haven’t brushed your hair or got out of your pajamas. You have done the single most difficult thing bodies can do. And you are continuing to do the most difficult thing - raising a loved, healthy, happy child. That’s what matters. It’s important to feel confident and take pride in yourself, but it’s absurd how some people place so much value on appearances. Kids are not accessories. Kids are dirty, messy, and exhausting. I’m all for having mom’s day at the spa or taking care of yourself, but if happiness means wearing your sweats while running errands, go ahead. I have a lot of self-respect, but it does not coming from wearing lipstick or having perfectly coiffed hair. It comes from being a good person and good mom. Maybe this oh-so-perfect mom can set a good example for her children and be a nice human being and give others a break.

I was watching Law & Order:SVU last night (while pretending to work). The issue of the day was vaccines. There was a young toddler who apparently hadn’t yet been vaccinated for measles (they vaccinate for measles between 12 and 15 months). She was at a park and contracted measles from a little boy. His mother had chosen not to vaccinate him, he got measles, recovered and was totally fine. During the contagious period, however, he’d spread it to this little girl and two others. So, the mother of the little girl decided to sue both the State of NY parks system and the little boy’s mother. Because apparently people in NYC feel totally safe in parks and this was a blow to their security??

I wanted to bring this up here because it was a bit ridiculous to me, but I could also understand it. First, I think suing the park system is ridiculous. (I am aware that this is a tv show!) Are they supposed to screen people before the enter? Blood tests and the whole works? But suing the mother is a bit more complicated. My first thought was that you can’t sue someone for not vaccinating her child! It infringes on their rights. But catching a dangerous disease that vaccines all but eradicated kind of infringes on your rights as well. The little girl would have lived if this mother had vaccinated her son.

I have a very firm belief that people have their own parenting styles and should be free to exercise them. If they don’t harm the children. Vaccinations are a tricky issue because some parents are vehemently opposed to them. But it could put their child at risk, and it could put my child at risk. I really do understand where people who choose not to vaccinate are coming from. I always thought Jenny McCarthy was a nutcase, but hearing her and Jim Carrey talk on this subject has definitely turned me around. Not all the way around, but I do have a better understanding of the other side. Some people feel that these vaccines can trigger autism in susceptible children (and this was proven in one court case). Others in the medical community think that the pertussis vaccine and possibly others are linked to SIDS.

One-half of 1% of kids in school are unvaccinated under a medical waiver; 2% to 3% have a nonmedical one (a lot of people are now claiming that vaccines go against their religious views so they can obtain a waiver. Many of these are legitimate claims, but many also come from parents who do not choose to vaccinate and have nothing to do with religious beliefs).

Anyway, it just is fodder for conversation - are there too many vaccines? Are they all a necessary evil? And how mad would I be if an unvaccinated kid made my baby sick? I honestly would throw all my “Parents should be allowed to raise their children as they see fit,” right out the window and be enraged. On the other hand, if a vaccine aggravated or worsened a condition (such as the little girl in Georgia whose vaccines aggravated a cell condition and giving her severe autism-like symptoms), I would be equally livid at doctors who told me they were safe.

I’ve posted a few times on vaccines, and I can see a progression in my thinking. First, I thought, yeah, giving your kids shots and medications is always risky, but it is something we all must do. Then, I read a Huffington Post blog entry by Jim Carrey and could see the other side as well. Now I’m at the point where I have no idea. I’m going to vaccinate my children. I can’t not. But I’m not as trusting. Sometimes I feel like we are guinea pigs in a pharmaceutical war.

I’d love to hear from any parent would has chosen not to vaccinate. Not to argue but to hear your side of the story. We all have our kids’ best interest at heart - it’d be nice if we could have risk-free vaccinations. Since we can’t, what are your thoughts on this issue?

Updated June 28, 2009

I found this piece on alternative vaccine schedules (ok, it was in my inbox in one of my health newsletters, but I like to take credit when I can). I’m pretty sure I’ve posted on this in the past, but here it is again for parents who would like to look into an alternative vaccine schedule. Now, this is NOT not vaccinating. It is spreading them out so the nurses don’t treat your baby like a pincushion at each visit. The little guy gets three in the leg and one oral vaccine at each visit, and it breaks my heart. Beyond that, if you’re concerned about health issues, you may want to know more about alternative schedules. And if your doctor will accommodate them. As always, it is good to know what your options are and what the medical thinking is. For that article, click here.

A reader recently commented on a post I wrote about separation anxiety. Here’s what she writes:

I could really use some advice here, but this is not the normal situation. My granddaughter lives with me right now. Her father has gone and is MIA from her life and has been most of her life. She is only 19 months. Her mother, my daughter, is in school. Her Godparents love her, but they want to keep her every weekend for 3 days. The first weekend it was ok, but this weekend she was freaking out and would not eat for them. I feel in light of what she has gone through at such an early age, she is in fear that I will leave her al well as her mom and dad when she goes with them. I feel they should have her every other weekend for a couple of days, not sure about the 3 days. Please give me your feedback.

I would love to hear from other parents, and I’m sure this grandmother would as well. My own opinion is that you’re absolutely right! Your granddaughter (I’m assuming you are the grandmother, though that may just be sexist of me) has had some pretty serious upheaval in her life. She saw one of the people that is always supposed to be there basically disappear. While it’s great your daughter is in school, your granddaughter may also see this as a type of abandonment (NOT saying that it is, but just how a very young child may perceive it.) It is wonderful that she has you and her godparents. I agree with you, though, that she needs the utmost stability right now. Shuffling between households gives her the impression that she doesn’t really have a home, that she is being passed back and forth. I think that she needs to be with you as much as possible. The godparents can provide a nice place to go occasionally, when she’s ready. That may mean once a month or every other week, whatever she is comfortable with. And three days away is a very long time for a young toddler. Maybe one night spent there would be better - or even just a day until she feels more secure.

I don’t know the legal arrangements, if any, you guys have about custody. If it’s entirely your decision, though, I would really think about cutting those visits with the godparents. It’s not to say they aren’t great people and that she loves them, but right now, stability and a sense of home is the most important thing. She’s clearly not comfortable being away for that long. Why force it? I think you’re right that she feels that you will abandon her as well. She doesn’t have a complete grasp of the situation, but it is certain that she feels unsafe at this time. She needs stability so you can build up her confidence and her sense of place in the world. She basically doesn’t have that at this point, and the more time you can give her, the more she will be convinced that you will stay with her and she with you.

You seem to know really well what your granddaughter needs. If the godparents have her best interests at heart, they’ll agree to limit their visits until she is ready for more. A good solution may be a day at their house per week or every other week, or even a day they come to your house and play with her. Overnights may be too much for her right now. You really have to go by what she wants and needs. The grownups have to be willing to work with that.

What a hard situation for you. I hope you and the godparents can work together to make this time easier for that little girl.

Does anyone else have some words of wisdom/encouragement? We’d love to know your thoughts/suggestions. Thank you.

These are the loves of my life: Peanut, the Little Guy, and their father, who had just carried the Little Guy (who weighs about 23 pounds) up a mountain. If you think that’s not a workout, try carrying five bags of flour up a hill. Tough guy!

It’s almost Father’s Day, and I don’t have anything for anyone! It kind of snuck up on me. I have to get the grandpas taken care of, and of course, the father of my children. I made him a special pre-Father’s Day Dinner (and I don’t usually cook at all - it was yummy!), he’s got some books from Amazon coming, and we’re going to breakfast with his father. So I think we’re good. But I’d like to take a minute and talk about dads. To all the wonderful fathers out there, I think your job is so important.

I look at my children and their father, and I’m thrilled at how much they all love each other. I was never very close with my father, so the fact that they have this great relationship makes me very very happy. Peanut is totally a miniature of her daddy. She loves to go fishing with him, go on picnics, and just hang out. She loves him so much that she even watches Survivor Man with him. It’s the cutest thing to see a little three year old girl say she wants to watch “Vivor Man” with her daddy. So they watch some, talk about the different things they see, and then camp out in the living room about once a week. She loves it. The Little Guy has been saying, “Da da” a lot lately, and my partner always lights up when he does this. When he comes home from work, the kids rush to him. Even the baby! It’s very sweet.

So, on this Father’s Day, I’d just like to tell all the great dads out there that you mean the world to your children and they love spending time with you, whether it’s playing outside, going camping, or watching the same old episodes of Vivor Man time after time and learning about things from you. It’s such an important relationship for both boys and girls. And if you are a single dad, double kudos to you. And, while we’re at it, if you’re a single mom doing the role of dad too, Happy Father’s Day to you too. You deserve a whole other day for kudos.

Happy Father’s Day for all you involved, active, and loving dads!

And for the rest of us who have not made Dad a card yet, here is a link to my very favorite site. FamilyFun.com has a ton of great ideas for every occasion, including some printable Father’s Day cards for the rushed among us!

If you want to get riled up, both WAHM and WOHM (wtf LOL…too many acronyms!), read the following from TemporarilyMe.com. It’s about Momversations, which I will be honest and say I have never heard of. I guess I”m not a good WAHM. Anyway, here is the editorial comment that set so many moms ablaze on both sides of the work at home/work outside of home fence:

So I typically stay away from the Momversation videos because I get so riled up about things they talk about. I know that’s their goal, but I just get so frustrated and angry about them I have to stop watching; but the other day Miss Zoot made a pointed entry about a recent Momversation episode that got my Working Mom panties all bunched up. Kim’s post had me cheering, nodding, and agreeing with every point she made. Go read it – I’ll wait.

I know I may alienate some of my work-at home-mom friends by writing this, but those that are truly my friends will understand where I am coming from. I know it’s not easy being a mom. I know it’s not easy working from home. I know it’s not easy having a job that takes us from our family, but please, let’s not pretend that they’re the same thing.

Miss Zoot is a mommy blogger, writer, photographer and mother who wrote about the stress of being a WOHM. Now she didn’t negate the work of SAHM or WAHM (are we done with the acronyms yet?). She said it was a different kind of stress. Definitely. I agree 100%. I think WOHM have a lot of stress. A ton. Crazy amounts. As do SAHM. It’s just different. I don’t have to worry about my commute, because my commute involves going down the stairs. Still in my PJs. I work for someone who also works at home, so if I need an extra day for a project because my daughter has pre-school screenings, she helps me make that possible.

So I don’t have that kind of stress that WOHM do. But why argue over who has it worse? It seems a bit ridiculous. There are moms who are lazy, of course, but when moms are actively engaged either in work outside the home, or inside the home, or just focus on staying home with the kids, they are doing work. Why value one choice over another? I choose to stay home, and we give things up monetarily to make that happen. Some people absolutely need to work, and that’s what makes their families work. Some moms love their work, and that’s great too. Whatever. It’s absurd to me that people try to best each other, even comparing stress levels or who works harder.

But it’s also absurd that we feel we have to justify our choices all the time. Moms who work outside the home are sometimes made to feel guilty for “abandoning” their kids, especially if they love their jobs. Moms who stay home are made to feel bad for not working - I get that one sometimes. I ran into the teacher who supervised me during student teaching. He asked if I was teaching, and I said “No, I’m staying home with my daughter.” His response? “Why?” Like it was the weirdest thing he’d ever heard. Why? Why not? Not really your business, Mr. Student Teaching Supervisor. I have to really stop myself sometimes from saying, “I’m taking time off teaching to stay home with my daughter” because that sounds defensive and kind of belittles the work I do now - and Peanut is a way better student than any I’ve ever had. I don’t want to feel bad for my choice, and I would never make another mother feel bad about hers.

Here are some adjectives that describe Peanut:

Sassy, bossy, talkative, playful, energetic, creative, smart, beautiful, independent. And talkative.

It is the combination of these traits that I love about her, and I try to encourage them in her. Except for bossiness! And sometimes talkativeness. I am an introvert. I have days when I’d just rather not talk to anyone! But Peanut and her father…talk, talk, talk. The Little Guy could go either way at this point. Right now he pretty much sticks to “Mama” so that’s fine with me. Anyway, independence is one of the most important things I can foster in her. I don’t want her to depend on others for her happiness or well-being when she’s older; I want her to rely on herself and make herself happy and whole.

So we’ve been encouraging little bits of independence. For instance, we live in a safe neighborhood in an apartment complex. (Even in safe neighborhoods, you can’t be too careful.) The buildings form a U with the playground at the open end. A friend of mine lives across the parking lot with her partner and daughter, who is a bit younger than Peanut. I let Peanut run over (staying on the grass) and say hi and play for a few minutes with the little girl. I do this because I trust the mother and because I can watch her like a hawk from our place. It is like supervised independence.

We also allow her to go outside and run. She needs to do this sometimes in the evening because she has an energy surplus. Anyway, she is allowed to go down the sidewalk right in front of our place, run and run back, or in the backyard where we can watch her from the back door. She also takes chalk and draws on the sidewalk right out front. I watch her from the dining room window, so I know she’s safe. Again, it gives her a sense of being able to do something on her own, but we can be at her side in a second if she needs us, falls, or if a car or stranger appears. We are super-vigilant about stuff like that because a toddler can have independence to only a safe extent. They are not able to handle strangers, so you always have to be in ear/eye shot of your child. I’m not necessarily recommending that you have to let your child go outside if you’re not comfortable with that. I am only because I can see her all the time and she is very good about staying in the designated area. If you don’t feel that’s safe, you can allow your child to play in his room by himself or in a room while you’re in another one. Whatever it is so he can have some independence that is safe.

Sometimes we give her some independence when she takes it. For instance, if she said, “Hey Mom, can I go pour myself a cup of milk?” I would say, “No, I’ll do that for you. You can hold the cup and I’ll pour.” But one day, she came in with a cup of milk. “Where’d you get that?” Her father wasn’t home, and I didn’t get it. She’d done it herself. Getting a clean cup that was on the counter, she put it on a kitchen chair. She got the milk, which was light enough for her to lift and poured it. I was surprised she could do that on her own, but she could. Soon after, she started getting herself her own cup of Cheerios and milk. As long as the milk jug isn’t full, she’s all set.

I’m all for kids doing things for themselves. We make Peanut clean up after herself, and after her brother a lot of the time too. I know this isn’t fair, but we’ve told her that her brother isn’t old enough so we all have to help out. The other day, she was so proud of the baby when he was able to put the blocks they were playing with back into the box - so he’s learning to be a bit more independent too!

I think that toddlers need a balance of independence and help, and they set the pace. I would never have let Peanut do the milk thing, but that turned out great. We also let Peanut have a lot of choice, which encourages independence. She picks out her own clothes (so sometimes she wears pajamas to the store. So what? She’s three!), she puts on her own shoes (sometimes they’re on the wrong feet, but it’s more important to me that she gets pride from doing something herself. We can work on right/wrong feet), she picks out books and movies at the library. She does a lot for herself, which I think will be really useful when she’s older. It’s not so important that they get things “right” at this point but that they feel the confidence to take the risk and do things themselves.

Parenting works out sometimes because I get to get the things that I think are really cool - like crayons and Play-Doh. I love Play-Doh. LOVE IT, and having a kid gives me a perfect excuse to buy some. Thank God for Peanut! She’ll be 16 and I’ll still be buying “her” Play-Doh. Ohhh, and the wooden train set that I want to get for Christmas. For the kids.

Anyway, here is something that I think is really cool and that will benefit Peanut and the Little Guy as soon as he gets over the urge to put everything in his mouth. The Melissa and Doug Alphabet Stamp Set. It’s great. This set has both upper and lower case letters and a stamp pad with four colors. Parents, this is something that drives me nuts - Peanut mixes the colors. She puts the stamp into one color, then the other, so everything turns brown. If that drives you nuts too, you can always buy a single color stamp pad.

With young toddlers, this is a great way to work on the alphabet. Kids love stamps, and it’s a great activity to do together while you sing the alphabet. Plus, they’ll just love it.

When you’re teaching your child, you don’t really have to push it. They absorb so much. The other day, Peanut was in the bath and said, “I can feel my backbone. I’m a vertebrate.” She picked this up; we didn’t drill it into her. Kids will learn the alphabet through singing and just being exposed to the letters. So you don’t have to have a half hour lesson on the letters. Just pick up a stamp and say, “This is a B.” There, you taught. You may have to say it a few times, but just keep it casual. Toddlers are primed to learn and will with repeated exposure. And fun. They love to learn, so I always just let Peanut set the pace. If she gets sick of hearing me talk about letters and decided to start stamping her hand, so what? That’s exactly the perfect way to teach toddlers. And then you can say, “Oh, Peanut, you just stamped a P on your hand!” Or “What did you put on your hand?”

It’s also great for older toddlers and those verging on preschoolers. They can learn the difference between upper and lower cases - which can be confusing with letters like A and a that don’t really look the same. And they can start spelling words. Peanut can write her first name, MOM (YAY!!!), and Bo. You know, all the important words. It’s a great way to work on things together.

While I’m on the subject, other great ways to help your child learn the alphabet is to have magnets on the fridge. When we’re getting a snack, we take a minute sometimes to spell out a word. Usually “Bo” (oh, excuse me! I just assume everyone knows Bo. He’s our dirty, nasty, smelly comfort stuffed toy that Peanut brings everywhere). Again, though, it’s great because you aren’t pushing anything. The letters are there, your child sees them, and you can talk about them as the urge strikes. Alphabet soup, alphabet blocks, writing letters in sidewalk chalk or on marker boards…these are all great ways to expose your child to letters. They will learn in no time.

I just needed that picture of motherhood in my head today. That calm, serene, angelic picture that you get before you actually have kids. And breathe…

My kids are irritating me. They are really both getting on my last nerve. The baby kept ramming into me with his wheely walker chair thing while I was trying to exercise, and Peanut got every bit of extra crap in the living room and built a puppy house, which looks like a huge pile of extra crap from the living room. Earlier, Peanut was quietly watching My Little Pony (I can watch almost any PBS cartoon; I’m used to toddler entertainment. But I cannot deal with My Little Pony). I stepped into the kitchen for a second and came back to find the Little Guy chewing on my laptop, which should have been out of his reach except that he now climbs. Peanut does nothing but talk, and talk, and talk. This is a trait that I have always admired in people because I am a non-talker. But I find myself feeling far less admiration than irritation.

So, moms and dads, you may pretend to the world otherwise, but I know that I’m not the only one. I know your children irritate the living daylight out of you too. Whether you work or stay home, your kids are bound to get on your nerves at times. So what do we do? Especially when we’re at home with them, alone, and we’ve been imposing on the Ultimate Babysitter, Grandma, too much lately? Here’s what works for me:

* Going for walks. This does not quiet Peanut, but at least the Little Guy mellows out. Put him in the stroller with something to chew on, and he’s good. Peanut either walks with me or rides, chattering the whole time. But they’re calmer. And if they’re good, we stop by Grandma’s on our way home (which is conveniently located on our walking route).

* Going to the bathroom. If the kids are occupied and safe (in cribs, car seats, or whatever), just escaping for a minute can be sufficient to get your head together. Close the door, though, because they will follow you.

* Bathe. For my kids, baths are like sedatives. They play, they splash, and they have fun. After, they’re pretty cuddly. While you do have to actively take part, it is a little bit of a break in that they’re typically much less irritating around water. Also, if the toddler is occupied and safe, take a quick shower. Your toddler can even sit in the bathroom and color or look at a book while you take an exceedingly hot shower. Water makes everyone feel better.

* Take them out in public. It is somehow easier to deal with your children when there are other people around. Go to the library or the park or the store. Just get out of the house.

* Make sacred time. Exercise is my sacred time. I do things all day for the kids, in turn, I make them give me 45-60 minutes. This doesn’t always work out, like today with the wheely chair, but I usually time it right with the baby’s nap, and Peanut plays or exercises with me.

* Do something for you that you can do with your kids present. I love to read, but I seldom have a lot of time. My doctor told me to do things I enjoy; she ordered me to buy some books and sit and read. The kids will be fine playing. And you know what? It’s true. I can read a chapter or two while the Little Guy plays and Peanut looks at her books. I think everyone should have some quiet, independent time. I don’t want kids who need constant stimulation. They should learn to entertain themselves for a bit.

*Meditate. If they take naps, grab ten minutes to meditate. Light a candle, focus your thoughts on that point of light, and just try not to worry about anything for those ten minutes. Meditation relaxes and refreshes you. I am a hyper-worrier. You know the cliche about worrying that you have nothing to worry about? It’s the truth. So meditation is hard for me, but luckily it’s the practicing that counts. So give it a try.

*Run them. When Peanut is acting like a freak, we go outside. She runs. And runs. She runs herself tired and is more mellow. It gets her energy out. Last week, it rained the entire week. So, I’d keep the Little Guy on the porch, and send Peanut down the sidewalk of our apartment complex (no roads, so it’s safe). She’d run back and forth to get that pent-up energy out. Then she’s focused for inside playing.
Tire those kids out.

*Take a break away from them if you can. I’m lucky because my partner and I schedule days off. Tomorrow is mine, and I can do whatever I want sans kids. This is really essential because you need time to do things, even errands or chores or work, without worrying about the children. If you are a single parent, maybe you could have a relative or friend watch the kids for a big chunk of a day, if not a whole day. An hour or two is great, but if you can get more, take it. You need it. And it makes you a better parent, less likely to snap at your kids. Do something you love, take a nap, read, watch bad, guilty-pleasure tv, exercise. Do something for you. It’s really really important.

What do you do to relieve some toddler/child stress? I’m going for a walk now!