Parenting Toddlers

I find myself telling Peanut things that I need to listen to as well. I feel like I need a clone who then parents me. For instance:

**You’ve had enough ice cream. If you want a snack, have an apple. But, Mom, ice cream is so cold and yummy. No, Katie, have an apple. It’s much easier with Peanut, believe me. Peanut’s eating habits are exemplary. She eats when she’s hungry and stops when she’s had enough, never out of boredom or emotion. She loves veggies, as do I. At least I have that going for me.

**You don’t say mean things about yourself; say something nice to yourself. I tell her this occasionally, though this kid’s self -esteem is not suffering. I want her to believe in herself and love herself. So far so good - with her, at least.

**It’s always good to try new things. I tell this to Peanut when we have unfamiliar foods or when we are doing something for the first time. We have an informal rule about this: if we’re having brussels sprouts for instance, I tell her that she needs to try it. She doesn’t have to eat it if she doesn’t like it, but she does have to give it a try. This extends to other things in life as well, and Peanut is game for a lot of new experiences. I sometimes avoid new experiences, even if I really think I’ll like them. Gotta stop that.

**When Peanut is looking for Bo (who inevitably gets lost around bedtime) she tends to shut down, flop herself down on the bed, and cry. I tell her all the time, wishing and crying is not going to make Bo appear. She’s got to look. Recently, I’ve really listened to myself on this one. I do the same thing. Metaphorically speaking, when life gets a bit tough, I flop down on the bed and cry, wishing things were different and my desires would fall from the sky. This doesn’t happen! Not with Peanut and not with me. I’ve got to get up and look.

Sometimes you have to take your own advice. Feel free to use your best Mommy voice.

There are certain things that even old cheapo me can’t cut back on. Diapers makes the top of the list. No way to go without. Even if you use cloth, you pay in the sense of washing and drying. But in these economic hard times, people are cutting down on diapers - at least the training types often used in potty training.

An article in the Associated Press found that many parents are tossing out the disposable pull-up training diapers and replacing them with…nothing! What a concept! We didn’t use them for a few reasons:

* They are diapers. Why not use a diaper? There is absolutely nothing special about a pull-up except that they stretch to pull down. A child can just as easily handle the little tabs on normal diapers when going to the bathroom.

* They are diapers! They’re absorbent. Your child doesn’t feel the urgency to go. She can keep playing because the moisture is wicked away from the body. If kids don’t feel uncomfortable, they are not going to be in a hurry to potty train. Like Jillian Michaels says, if you don’t feel uncomfortable, nothing’s going to change. She was talking about your body, but it does apply to potty training as well!

* They cost a lot. Why add to your costs when you can buy a few cheap packs of underwear? If your kid has an accident, throw them in the wash and put another pair on.

A side effect of the recession is that parents are finding their children get potty trained much more quickly. In the interest of balance though, here is a counter view from the article:

“The big problem isn’t potty training. The problem is the emphasis we place on ‘holding it’,” said Steve Hodges, assistant professor of pediatric urology at Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center.

“Kids always say they don’t have to go,” he said, “but they always do.”

I hadn’t really thought of that, but when kids say “I don’t have to go,” it’s always a good idea to make them. Especially before bed and car trips and before you put on their snowsuits, boots, hats, and mittens (I HATE hearing, “I have to go to the bathroom,” after I’ve spent 15 minutes dressing Peanut!).

Anyway, you can find the whole article here.

We’re going through a stage at our house. Peanut is obsessed with Harry Potter. And why does a three year old know who Harry Potter is? Why is a three year old allowed to watch Harry Potter? Good questions these. Yes, we are a bit lax in our tv parental controls. Peanut loves to watch “grown up” tv with us. Her favorite is Survivor Man, which she watches with her Dad. This is the cutest thing because they talk about wild edibles and building shelters in the woods. Anyway, we let her watch certain things that maybe other toddlers don’t - I draw the line at the newer Harry Potter movies because those are a bit scary. The first two are tame but exciting enough for her. Enough excusing myself - I do have a point here.

Anyway, for a few weeks, Peanut was Hermoine. She insisted that she be called by that name. She’d find sticks in the yard and use them for wands. Now she has switched to Harry. She corrects people when they call her the wrong name (that is, her real name). I have had to put my foot down on that one. I told her I’d call her what I named her. Grandma, though, plays along more nicely. Yesterday in the car, she asked when we’d be home. I said, “Soon, baby.” Her reply:

“Why do you call me baby? I’m not a baby! I’m a big girl, I mean, a big boy. I’m Harry.”

My partner sometimes gets concerned that she’s out of touch with reality. But she definitely knows she’s a girl, she definitely knows she’s pretending. And in my mind, there is nothing wrong with that. I think it’s helping build her imagination, and I am really proud of her for being creative and fun. And for her sense of costume. Because Harry needs his glasses and scar. Her father drew a lightening bolt on her forehead, and her aunt got some cheap reading glasses at the drugstore, took out the lenses, and shaped them to look like Harry’s round specs. Very cute. She’s been wearing those glasses for three days. I make her take them off for bed - because that’s what Harry does. She periodically needs a touch-up on her scar too.

Kids go through stages all the time. When my youngest sister was a toddler, she loved to pretend she was a dog. She’d make you pet her and take her for walks. She was really into it. I think adults forget how to let themselves go that much and get really involved with their dreams. But kids, especially toddlers, can live in this world and in the “real” world. As a parent, I try to encourage this - short of calling her Harry all the time. I love that she pretends and experiments and is not bound by reality as much as adults. My other sister made a good point yesterday when I was talking about my little wizard. She said, “At least she’s not pretending to be Hannah Montana.” Thank God for that!

Here’s my little hairy Harry:

Sometimes, I am the only member of the household wearing pants.

My neighbor has a gorgeous little daughter who will be three in November. Peanut loves to play with her, and besides Peanut being super bossy and not liking to share as much as she should, they do a great job together. Anyway, they are in the process of potty training her, and she asked what we did to potty train Peanut. She also asked friends on Facebook. The big consensus was UNDERWEAR! Get em, use em.

When we were potty training Peanut, we tried a variety of things, which is good. You never really know what will work for your child until you try. And as we all know, what works on one day will not necessarily work on another. So we worked on it throughout the year she was two, and sometimes she wanted nothing to do with the potty at all. She could do it but just didn’t want to. I am a believer that when kids are ready mentally, they will do it without much fuss. This was the case with Peanut - but I was in a bit of a hurry because I wanted her potty trained before her brother came along. Diapering two kids is not budget-friendly! Anyway, finally, knowing that she could do it but choose not to, her father and I went to the store and bought packs of underwear. Packs and packs.

We came home, explained to Peanut that she was going to start wearing big girl underwear! YAY! How exciting! And it was when she saw the cute monkeys and stuff on her underwear. She put them on, all happy, and promptly peed in them. We put new underwear on her, and sure enough, a while later, she peed in them. So we put new ones on her (this is why we bought packs and packs!). The next day, she peed three times in her underwear, but we replaced them with clean pairs. After she saw that we wouldn’t give in and put a diaper on her, she stopped peeing. Just like that. Boom. Potty trained. It took about two days. We’d been leading up to it, but those two days were really the trick with her. (She wore a diaper at night for a few weeks beyond this - you’ll know when to start getting away from this when diapers are dry at night for several consecutive nights. Just make sure he/she goes potty before bed time.)

Toddlers will want to go back in diapers. It seems odd to us, but really, diapers are so good now that they wick moisture right away from the child’s skin. This is good for the little ones so they don’t get rashes, but not so good for toddlers. They don’t care if they pee, they can keep right on playing. When they feel wet underwear, however, it’s not so pleasant and they want to change back into the diaper so they can just play and not worry about going to the potty. Don’t do it! Don’t give them that way out. This is why I’m not a huge fan of pull-up diapers. Kids need to feel uncomfortable in order to get out of that habit.

Many people have their kids pick out their own underwear so they’re even more excited to wear them. This is a great idea and gives your toddler ownership of the process. We didn’t only because Peanut was at Grandma Day, which is a holy day here. So we did it for her, and it was fine. Do what you think is right. A surprise of packages of underwear with her favorite character will work just as well. A note: we went to a discount store and bought several packs. I’m not really into paying extra just so Dora can be on my daughter’s underwear. A generic rainbow or monkey or puppy works just as well for Peanut.

There are many different ways to potty train a child, but this is what worked for us and for other people I know.

As Peanut is growing out of her toddler years, the Little Guy is entering them. This has made me think of the few things we have really used a lot/needed/loved during these years. Our toddler essentials have made life a little easier, so I thought I’d share them with you. Here we go:

Pack n Play:
My mother got us a Pack ‘n Play for Peanut, and we still use it today. These things are great. We used it before Peanut went into her crib in her own room, and it was a great way to transition between our room and hers. They’re compact, they’re light, and they’re useful. If you travel, they’re great for toddlers. We brought it to motels, grandparents’, parents’, and on other overnight trips so Peanut would always have a bed and a place to play that she was familiar with. When she was older, we added a pillow and some buddies and it was like her own special room. Perfect if you go places and want a mobile kid. When they’re not in use, they pack up quite compactly, so they don’t take up precious closet space. There are some models with little changing areas, and there is an endless variety of colors, styles, etc. And another great thing about them: you can use them for multiple children or pass them on to family and friends, and they hold up great.

Stroller:
Must have, must have. When Peanut was born, I struggled with postpartum depression, and walking helped tremendously. I can’t say enough about walking - plus it, eventually, helped me lose weight. When we had the baby, I got a double stroller because I didn’t want to miss any walks, and they both love it. Now that Peanut’s older, she gets out sometimes and walks too. But it’s great for making quick trips to the post office or store when I don’t want to drive, and it restores my sanity.

Baby Wipes:
I asked my partner which products we couldn’t have lived without for Peanut, and he said “Baby wipes,” without hesitation. Yes, they are extremely useful. And not just for diapers. We always carry them for the Little Guy but just as often need them for Peanut. Dirty faces, sticky hands - they come in handy all the time.

Bath seat:
We didn’t need this for Peanut, but will for the Little Guy. Peanut always loved baths. She’d get in, play with her toys, splash, and have a ball. The Little Guy screams continually. He’s too big for his baby bathtub, so I’ve had to get in with him and hold him in my lap. Where he screams continually. So, I think this may help him feel more secure in the water. I hope. Otherwise, he will hate me, and we will both hate bathtime.

Bo:

We got Bo second-hand in a box of clothes from a friend. This turned out to be the best present Peanut has ever received. He has been a constant in our family for years. These days, Peanut sometimes leaves him home when she goes places, but she always, always needs him to go to sleep. I’m not ready for her to outgrow Bo completely.

What are you toddler essentials?

I’ve been having guilt pangs today. Since about Tuesday, the Little Guy has been an absolute beast. I know many parents would not refer to their children publicly as beasts, but there you are. Screaming fits, fever, diaper rash, three teeth coming in, screaming fits, lethargy, lack of appetite, and screaming fits. It’s been fun at our house. And Peanut. This girl is awesome. She’s funny and sweet and smart and energetic. Mostly energetic. She recently got a new bike, her first two-wheeler with training-wheels, and loves it. She wants to ride all the time. She wants me to ride with her or go to the playground or make sidewalk pictures with chalk with her. And I can’t. The baby won’t let me put him down. When he does fall asleep, I have to work or clean. I put things off and spend what time I can with her, but it’s not enough. A lot of the time, she’s out riding her bike on the sidewalks in our apartment complex (away from the driveway and where I can always see her) by herself. Or drawing by herself. Or watching Curious George by herself. I was always a pretty solitary person, even as a child, so I don’t realize the impact on her sometimes. She’s so social, so outgoing, and definitely needs and wants someone to play with.

I feel bad. I feel horrible. I feel like I’m choosing the baby instead of her. When her father’s home, he’s the one who ends up doing more activities with her, like gardening or fishing. Why don’t we do more together? Good question. I don’t know. I could just take off with her some evening and play at the park or something, but when her father gets home from work, I like to all spend time together. I sound whiny, but I feel like I’m neglecting Peanut. And oddly, I feel like I’m neglecting the baby half the time too. At this point, it’s impossible to take him to the beach or playground because he shoves rocks or other nasty debris into his mouth. Instead of playing with Peanut I either have to chase the baby around constantly or put him in his stroller, which he doesn’t like when he sees his sister playing in the dirt.

I feel especially guilty because Peanut spent the night with her grandparents and is still there, and the only thing I really feel is relieved. I’m glad she’s not here because then I don’t have to feel bad about telling her I can’t play with her right now. I feel bad because I hope they keep her for the morning so I can get some things done while the baby naps.

I know when the baby is a bit older and gets over his need to chew on rocks, I can take them both out to play and not have to worry about him choking. I can take them to the beach. I can do all sorts of fun things - but what about now? Now, I just feel crappy. I feel like I’m shortchanging both of them. I don’t know how people handle three, or four, or five kids.

I guess what I can do is to make the time. Leave the baby with his father and take Peanut to the park for an hour when it’s possible. I can stay up a little later at night working so I can use baby nap time to paint with Peanut or watch her ride her bike. She’s been such a huge help since the baby has been born, helping to clean, fetch diapers, even share her toys. She is very good with the fact that since the baby can’t do anything really for himself, he needs more of us. She knows this, and that makes it worse for me that there is less for her. Not less love, but just less of me.

I love both of my children - they are the sun and moon to me. They’re both so precious - but it can be hard juggling them and paying attention to all their needs. Especially at the same time!

We recently took a trip to Cape Cod, which is several hours away by car. Why take a trip with a three year old and a nine month old? I will blame my partner. He wanted to go so his grandparents could meet the baby. Ok, good reason. But traveling with children can be difficult. We were extremely lucky that both were unbelievably good. For those traveling this summer, here are some good tips for maintaining the peace during trips:

* Toddlers thrive on consistency. On trips, everything is different, but try to make meal times, nap times, and bedtimes are normal as possible. Bring something from home, like a favorite buddy, pillow, or blanket to soothe your child. Peanut had Bo, of course, and her night light.

* Make your toddler go to the bathroom before starting your trip and at each rest area you stop at. If they say they don’t have to go, make them. Because, there is a great chance that they do have to go, and sometimes it is not possible to pull over. Limit drinks in the car also.

* Plan to take longer. There’s really no way around it: toddlers will have to stop to go to the bathroom or get out and stretch their legs so they don’t go nuts. Build this time into your trip.

* Give them something to do. Peanut’s grandparents have taken her for long trips before, and she loves it. They have a dvd player and an ipod with short movies and videos for her. We are more low-tech. With us, she had Harry Potter (her new favorite. Someone let her watch the movies!) coloring books, crayons, and notebooks. She looked at those books and drew all the characters. This kept her amply entertained for a long time.

* See if you can plan around sleep times. When Peanut was a baby, we would leave on trips ridiculously early. Three or four in the morning. This time, we had to wait until later, but we timed it to coincide with the Little Guy’s nap time.

* Bring healthy snacks.

* Listen to toddler music. It may drive you nuts, but toddlers do love them. Sing along. They love when you act silly.

* Come up with games. Peanut was getting testy, so I said, “Yellow car, I win.” This is a game she has created which only she seems to know the rules to. She always wins. Anyway, we just all spotted stuff and said, “Green trees, I win,” or “Feet on the dashboard, I win.” Really no point whatsoever, but it entertained her and us.

* Get a sunshade - wherever you are, the glaring sun is sure to hit your child’s eyes the whole way. It’s just parent luck. Also, make sure the temperature is right. This helps them sleep more as well.

* If possible, play a lot before leaving on your trip. Run them down!

* Don’t expect perfection. You will not get it from toddlers riding for hours in the car. Be understanding that this is really hard for some kids. Stop, take rests, sing - but try not to lose your temper. It is really easy to do this when your child is being a beast in heavy traffic while your car is overheating (for instance!), but it’s not their fault.

* Once at your destination, provide some play time before doing anything else. Again, plan this into your agenda.

Here are some great sites for game/entertainment ideas:

Mom’s Minivan
Family Travel Forum
Baby Center

Sorry about the lack of new posts. We took a little trip to Cape Cod to visit family, and then the Little Guy got sick. You know what that’s like - they go from chasing everything, climbing on furniture, chewing electrical cords, and trying to use Mommy’s computer to lying quietly in your lap. Kind of nice to get snuggle time, but I wish he didn’t have a fever.

Anyway, enough! Let’s talk fun, creative, and beautiful birthday cakes! Both Peanut and the Little Guy have birthdays coming up, and they’re within days of each other. Last year, Peanut kind of had a sucky birthday because we were coming home from the hospital that day. So this year, I want to make it a great time. Peanut says she wants a zebra cake, and I have grand schemes for the Little Guy’s. We’ll see if I can actually do what I see in my mind. I like to bake, but I’ve never made really nice cakes before. So I turned to my source for all things kid, Family.Fun.com.

They have a lot of great ideas for cakes, including Cinderalla’s Castle, a pirate hat or pirate ship cake, sports cakes, animal cakes, jungle cakes, you name it. And the ingredients aren’t absurd or that hard to do. Mostly, you just have to gather different kinds of candies and then arrange them, so you don’t have to be handy with an icing bag - which I am certainly not. A lot of them start with a frosted cake base - just a plain old rectangular cake that even I can make. From there, the options are unlimited. Check this one out:

Looks great, looks professional, and looks like any toddler will love it. Toddlers love monkeys. Here’s all you need to get:

Frosted 9- by 13-inch cake
Caramel Cow Tail
2 (1 1/2-inch) Tootsie Rolls
Green Fruit Roll-Ups
Green Fruit Streamers (I’m not sure what these are, but you can use green fruit roll ups or green air heads - green is the key here, and you can definitely improvise)
Banana Runts
Milk Duds
Midgees Tootsie Rolls
Yellow hard candy

And here is what you do:

1. Tree trunks: Stretch a caramel Cow Tail so that it is 11 inches long and set it on the left side of the cake for the coconut tree. Place two 1 1/2-inch Tootsie Rolls end to end on the right side for the banana tree.

2. Leaves and fruit: Cut 3 green Fruit Roll-Ups into 1- by 4-inch pieces. Round the ends of 4 pieces to resemble banana leaves, and press a green Fruit Streamers strand atop each. Cut fringes into 6 more pieces for the coconut palm. Use the remaining Fruit Roll-Ups lengths to add a bush at the foot of the coconut tree. “Hang” a cluster of Banana Runts from the banana tree and a few Milk Duds coconuts from the palm.

3. Monkeys: For each one, flatten a Midgees Tootsie Roll for the torso. Roll pieces of 2 or 3 more Midgees into small balls for the head and ears, and into thin ropes for a tail, arms, and legs. Place a Banana Runt in its hand.

4. The sun: Place a yellow hard candy in the upper right corner.

Very simple for such a cool looking cake. Some reviewers even said that their children helped make the monkeys.

The cake can be a huge part of any toddler party or celebration, but they can also be a huge expense. I know that I’d rather spend money on a cool gift or a birthday treat rather than a really expensive cake - especially if I could make a cool-looking one myself at minimal cost. Buy a cake mix, some frosting, and some candy. Poof, you’re done, and you’re done relatively cheaply. You can expand and use your creative genius to create any type of cake you want. Seeing this site was really helpful because I was wondering how on earth I would do some of the things I wanted to. Now I know that I can just use my eyes and imagination and pick up some candy to make what I want.

Even the more complex ones are easy. I have a sister who we call “B,” and there is an awesome beehive cake that I can make for her. Everyone will be impressed because it looks hard but is definitely not. Here is that one:

RECIPE INGREDIENTS:
8-inch round cake
6-inch round cake
Half-sphere cake baked in a 2-cup ovenproof bowl
3 1/2 cups yellow frosting
13 round cookies (we used Keebler Sandies Pecan Shortbread)
1 1/2 cups light-blue frosting
12 Twix Minis
12 marshmallows
Chocolate frosting
Large yellow gumdrop
Sweet Behive Cake - Step 1 1. Use a long serrated knife to trim the tops of the round cakes flat, if needed. To get the smooth look of our cake, first stack the three cakes on a wire rack over a cookie sheet. Heat 3 cups of the yellow frosting in the microwave until it liquefies, about 20 seconds. Stir the frosting, then slowly pour it over the top of the cakes, as shown, covering them completely. Refriger­ate the stack for about 30 minutes to harden the frosting.

2. Meanwhile, frost 12 of the cookies light blue and place a Twix in the center of each. Use scissors to cut the ends from the marshmallows and press on these ends, sticky side down, for wings.

3. Carefully transfer the cake to a platter. To add a door, trim one edge of the remaining cookie, as shown, cover both sides with chocolate frosting, then press it onto the hive. Spoon the rest of the yellow frosting into a resealable sandwich bag, snip off a corner, and pipe markings onto the bees and hive. Top the hive with the gumdrop and arrange the bees around it. Serves 12.

How cute is that?

I’m full of ideas for my own children’s cakes, and I can’t wait to try. And then they’ll demolish it. Hopefully they look at it for a second before diving in! If you want to check out the great recipes for cakes, click here. There is also a lot of craft and activity ideas too.

Reward charts are a good way for children to see the effects of their behavior. Toddlers are concrete thinkers for the most part, and the visual reinforcement of a reward chart is a great tool. They will also love coloring in the different parts if you have a chart like the one from Super Nanny above. This chart can be downloaded here. There are also pirate and space charts.

There are a lot of ways to use these charts, which are geared for children age three to five, so it’s at the older end of the toddler spectrum. Super Nanny gives some tips on how to use them:

1) Think about the behaviour you would like to address with your child. The younger the child, the more focused you should be: a preschooler reward chart will work best when you just centre on one or two things you’d like to work on. Older children could handle a longer list, alongside a number of privileges which they gain or lose accordingly.

2) Find a quiet time to sit down with your child and explain the reward chart. Stress that this is not a punishment, but an opportunity for mum and dad to say ‘well done’! Explain that when she achieves the goals you’ve set out for her, she will move up the chart, but she can also move down the chart. Let her choose her final reward from a range of approved options.

3) Your motivation will be the key to making her reward chart a success: keep your tone light and positive when you praise her and have a ‘halfway mark’ which you celebrate with a small treat, so she feels she’s really getting somewhere.

4) She’s there! Make a big deal about her getting to the top of the chart, and, whether it’s a day out or a new book, make sure she gets her reward promptly: she’s earned it.

An example: I think I’ll use the chart because Peanut and I are starting to do some preschool workbook activities. She wasn’t able to get into preschool because the slots were all full up. (We’re on a waiting list, so there is a bit of hope). Anyway, we could use the chart to reward her doing one activity in the book per day. When she has done five, she can get a little treat. Ten can see like a lot for a toddler, so breaking it up into halves is a great way to reinforce behavior. At ten, she can get a bigger treat. I’m not into spending a lot of money - frugality is one of my main concerns when it comes to my family. So a halfway treat could be a trip to the fun playground. We don’t usually go there because it’s a huge process with the baby, but I could sneak out with Peanut for an hour or so when her father’s home to watch the Little Guy. For a big treat, we could have a fun day, go to the beach, or whatever she’d like. It’s a good way to get in some quality time as well.

You can use it for whatever behavior(s) you’d like to focus on, even potty training. The key is to make it fun for your child and something that he/she will want to work for. You can use Super Nanny’s templates and print them or you can make your own using paper, a chalkboard, or a white board. Try what you think will work for your child.

Does anyone use reward charts? Have you found them to be effective? Tell us about your experience!

Sometimes life is dirty. Sometimes Mom gets dirty too.

I found this by chance the other day and had to share it. It kind of speaks for itself so here it is:

I am so sick of moms who seem to stop caring about how they look just because they have kids. Seriously, how hard is it to blow dry your hair and put a swipe of lipstick on before you leave the house? I had to spend extra time assuring my husband that I wouldn’t let myself go when we had kids because he’s seen it happen so many times. Wouldn’t you agree that they are giving us moms who still have some self-respect a bad name? — Get Your Roots Done Already!

This was on the site Babble. And the response (which you can read here) was all about moms not having time, support, or resources. Or simply not caring about putting on lipstick before going to the playground. Some people are those put-together types that always look great, have spotless homes, and spotless children. How they accomplish that is beyond me. I can manage one of those at a time, sort of. Maybe half of one of those things at a time. Who has time? And I’m a stay at home mom. I theoretically do have the time to shower, shave my legs, pretty up my face, and actually put some product in my hair. Sure. And then, I can look stunning while I play in the dirt with the kids? Or while I feed my son whose favorite thing to do is sneeze when he has a mouthful of oatmeal?

Why do new moms let themselves go? Maybe some of us don’t have the genetic makeup of Angelina Jolie or the luxury of having a trainer and/or chef. Maybe it takes someone over a year to lose weight from the baby so she feels kind of frumpy and doesn’t want to buy clothes that (hopefully) won’t fit in a few months. And sleep. Forget it. When babies are young, it is a treat to get two hours of sleep in a row. When your baby is napping during the day, you don’t want to put on some makeup, you want to rest. Why should I put on my pearls and heels to vacuum or go to the grocery store? It’s ridiculous. I find the person who wrote this to be absolutely ridiculous. Even worse? Her husband. Making her promise not to let herself go after she had kids? No pressure to lose baby weight there, huh? I put enough on myself, I would freak out if my partner insisted I lose weight inhumanly fast.

Even worse than that? Her agreeing and seeming to take pride in that. What? Are you kidding? Why take pride in having an a$$ for a husband? When you’ve just given birth, you’re a queen. I don’t care if you haven’t brushed your hair or got out of your pajamas. You have done the single most difficult thing bodies can do. And you are continuing to do the most difficult thing - raising a loved, healthy, happy child. That’s what matters. It’s important to feel confident and take pride in yourself, but it’s absurd how some people place so much value on appearances. Kids are not accessories. Kids are dirty, messy, and exhausting. I’m all for having mom’s day at the spa or taking care of yourself, but if happiness means wearing your sweats while running errands, go ahead. I have a lot of self-respect, but it does not coming from wearing lipstick or having perfectly coiffed hair. It comes from being a good person and good mom. Maybe this oh-so-perfect mom can set a good example for her children and be a nice human being and give others a break.

I was watching Law & Order:SVU last night (while pretending to work). The issue of the day was vaccines. There was a young toddler who apparently hadn’t yet been vaccinated for measles (they vaccinate for measles between 12 and 15 months). She was at a park and contracted measles from a little boy. His mother had chosen not to vaccinate him, he got measles, recovered and was totally fine. During the contagious period, however, he’d spread it to this little girl and two others. So, the mother of the little girl decided to sue both the State of NY parks system and the little boy’s mother. Because apparently people in NYC feel totally safe in parks and this was a blow to their security??

I wanted to bring this up here because it was a bit ridiculous to me, but I could also understand it. First, I think suing the park system is ridiculous. (I am aware that this is a tv show!) Are they supposed to screen people before the enter? Blood tests and the whole works? But suing the mother is a bit more complicated. My first thought was that you can’t sue someone for not vaccinating her child! It infringes on their rights. But catching a dangerous disease that vaccines all but eradicated kind of infringes on your rights as well. The little girl would have lived if this mother had vaccinated her son.

I have a very firm belief that people have their own parenting styles and should be free to exercise them. If they don’t harm the children. Vaccinations are a tricky issue because some parents are vehemently opposed to them. But it could put their child at risk, and it could put my child at risk. I really do understand where people who choose not to vaccinate are coming from. I always thought Jenny McCarthy was a nutcase, but hearing her and Jim Carrey talk on this subject has definitely turned me around. Not all the way around, but I do have a better understanding of the other side. Some people feel that these vaccines can trigger autism in susceptible children (and this was proven in one court case). Others in the medical community think that the pertussis vaccine and possibly others are linked to SIDS.

One-half of 1% of kids in school are unvaccinated under a medical waiver; 2% to 3% have a nonmedical one (a lot of people are now claiming that vaccines go against their religious views so they can obtain a waiver. Many of these are legitimate claims, but many also come from parents who do not choose to vaccinate and have nothing to do with religious beliefs).

Anyway, it just is fodder for conversation - are there too many vaccines? Are they all a necessary evil? And how mad would I be if an unvaccinated kid made my baby sick? I honestly would throw all my “Parents should be allowed to raise their children as they see fit,” right out the window and be enraged. On the other hand, if a vaccine aggravated or worsened a condition (such as the little girl in Georgia whose vaccines aggravated a cell condition and giving her severe autism-like symptoms), I would be equally livid at doctors who told me they were safe.

I’ve posted a few times on vaccines, and I can see a progression in my thinking. First, I thought, yeah, giving your kids shots and medications is always risky, but it is something we all must do. Then, I read a Huffington Post blog entry by Jim Carrey and could see the other side as well. Now I’m at the point where I have no idea. I’m going to vaccinate my children. I can’t not. But I’m not as trusting. Sometimes I feel like we are guinea pigs in a pharmaceutical war.

I’d love to hear from any parent would has chosen not to vaccinate. Not to argue but to hear your side of the story. We all have our kids’ best interest at heart - it’d be nice if we could have risk-free vaccinations. Since we can’t, what are your thoughts on this issue?

Updated June 28, 2009

I found this piece on alternative vaccine schedules (ok, it was in my inbox in one of my health newsletters, but I like to take credit when I can). I’m pretty sure I’ve posted on this in the past, but here it is again for parents who would like to look into an alternative vaccine schedule. Now, this is NOT not vaccinating. It is spreading them out so the nurses don’t treat your baby like a pincushion at each visit. The little guy gets three in the leg and one oral vaccine at each visit, and it breaks my heart. Beyond that, if you’re concerned about health issues, you may want to know more about alternative schedules. And if your doctor will accommodate them. As always, it is good to know what your options are and what the medical thinking is. For that article, click here.

A reader recently commented on a post I wrote about separation anxiety. Here’s what she writes:

I could really use some advice here, but this is not the normal situation. My granddaughter lives with me right now. Her father has gone and is MIA from her life and has been most of her life. She is only 19 months. Her mother, my daughter, is in school. Her Godparents love her, but they want to keep her every weekend for 3 days. The first weekend it was ok, but this weekend she was freaking out and would not eat for them. I feel in light of what she has gone through at such an early age, she is in fear that I will leave her al well as her mom and dad when she goes with them. I feel they should have her every other weekend for a couple of days, not sure about the 3 days. Please give me your feedback.

I would love to hear from other parents, and I’m sure this grandmother would as well. My own opinion is that you’re absolutely right! Your granddaughter (I’m assuming you are the grandmother, though that may just be sexist of me) has had some pretty serious upheaval in her life. She saw one of the people that is always supposed to be there basically disappear. While it’s great your daughter is in school, your granddaughter may also see this as a type of abandonment (NOT saying that it is, but just how a very young child may perceive it.) It is wonderful that she has you and her godparents. I agree with you, though, that she needs the utmost stability right now. Shuffling between households gives her the impression that she doesn’t really have a home, that she is being passed back and forth. I think that she needs to be with you as much as possible. The godparents can provide a nice place to go occasionally, when she’s ready. That may mean once a month or every other week, whatever she is comfortable with. And three days away is a very long time for a young toddler. Maybe one night spent there would be better - or even just a day until she feels more secure.

I don’t know the legal arrangements, if any, you guys have about custody. If it’s entirely your decision, though, I would really think about cutting those visits with the godparents. It’s not to say they aren’t great people and that she loves them, but right now, stability and a sense of home is the most important thing. She’s clearly not comfortable being away for that long. Why force it? I think you’re right that she feels that you will abandon her as well. She doesn’t have a complete grasp of the situation, but it is certain that she feels unsafe at this time. She needs stability so you can build up her confidence and her sense of place in the world. She basically doesn’t have that at this point, and the more time you can give her, the more she will be convinced that you will stay with her and she with you.

You seem to know really well what your granddaughter needs. If the godparents have her best interests at heart, they’ll agree to limit their visits until she is ready for more. A good solution may be a day at their house per week or every other week, or even a day they come to your house and play with her. Overnights may be too much for her right now. You really have to go by what she wants and needs. The grownups have to be willing to work with that.

What a hard situation for you. I hope you and the godparents can work together to make this time easier for that little girl.

Does anyone else have some words of wisdom/encouragement? We’d love to know your thoughts/suggestions. Thank you.

These are the loves of my life: Peanut, the Little Guy, and their father, who had just carried the Little Guy (who weighs about 23 pounds) up a mountain. If you think that’s not a workout, try carrying five bags of flour up a hill. Tough guy!

It’s almost Father’s Day, and I don’t have anything for anyone! It kind of snuck up on me. I have to get the grandpas taken care of, and of course, the father of my children. I made him a special pre-Father’s Day Dinner (and I don’t usually cook at all - it was yummy!), he’s got some books from Amazon coming, and we’re going to breakfast with his father. So I think we’re good. But I’d like to take a minute and talk about dads. To all the wonderful fathers out there, I think your job is so important.

I look at my children and their father, and I’m thrilled at how much they all love each other. I was never very close with my father, so the fact that they have this great relationship makes me very very happy. Peanut is totally a miniature of her daddy. She loves to go fishing with him, go on picnics, and just hang out. She loves him so much that she even watches Survivor Man with him. It’s the cutest thing to see a little three year old girl say she wants to watch “Vivor Man” with her daddy. So they watch some, talk about the different things they see, and then camp out in the living room about once a week. She loves it. The Little Guy has been saying, “Da da” a lot lately, and my partner always lights up when he does this. When he comes home from work, the kids rush to him. Even the baby! It’s very sweet.

So, on this Father’s Day, I’d just like to tell all the great dads out there that you mean the world to your children and they love spending time with you, whether it’s playing outside, going camping, or watching the same old episodes of Vivor Man time after time and learning about things from you. It’s such an important relationship for both boys and girls. And if you are a single dad, double kudos to you. And, while we’re at it, if you’re a single mom doing the role of dad too, Happy Father’s Day to you too. You deserve a whole other day for kudos.

Happy Father’s Day for all you involved, active, and loving dads!

And for the rest of us who have not made Dad a card yet, here is a link to my very favorite site. FamilyFun.com has a ton of great ideas for every occasion, including some printable Father’s Day cards for the rushed among us!

If you want to get riled up, both WAHM and WOHM (wtf LOL…too many acronyms!), read the following from TemporarilyMe.com. It’s about Momversations, which I will be honest and say I have never heard of. I guess I”m not a good WAHM. Anyway, here is the editorial comment that set so many moms ablaze on both sides of the work at home/work outside of home fence:

So I typically stay away from the Momversation videos because I get so riled up about things they talk about. I know that’s their goal, but I just get so frustrated and angry about them I have to stop watching; but the other day Miss Zoot made a pointed entry about a recent Momversation episode that got my Working Mom panties all bunched up. Kim’s post had me cheering, nodding, and agreeing with every point she made. Go read it – I’ll wait.

I know I may alienate some of my work-at home-mom friends by writing this, but those that are truly my friends will understand where I am coming from. I know it’s not easy being a mom. I know it’s not easy working from home. I know it’s not easy having a job that takes us from our family, but please, let’s not pretend that they’re the same thing.

Miss Zoot is a mommy blogger, writer, photographer and mother who wrote about the stress of being a WOHM. Now she didn’t negate the work of SAHM or WAHM (are we done with the acronyms yet?). She said it was a different kind of stress. Definitely. I agree 100%. I think WOHM have a lot of stress. A ton. Crazy amounts. As do SAHM. It’s just different. I don’t have to worry about my commute, because my commute involves going down the stairs. Still in my PJs. I work for someone who also works at home, so if I need an extra day for a project because my daughter has pre-school screenings, she helps me make that possible.

So I don’t have that kind of stress that WOHM do. But why argue over who has it worse? It seems a bit ridiculous. There are moms who are lazy, of course, but when moms are actively engaged either in work outside the home, or inside the home, or just focus on staying home with the kids, they are doing work. Why value one choice over another? I choose to stay home, and we give things up monetarily to make that happen. Some people absolutely need to work, and that’s what makes their families work. Some moms love their work, and that’s great too. Whatever. It’s absurd to me that people try to best each other, even comparing stress levels or who works harder.

But it’s also absurd that we feel we have to justify our choices all the time. Moms who work outside the home are sometimes made to feel guilty for “abandoning” their kids, especially if they love their jobs. Moms who stay home are made to feel bad for not working - I get that one sometimes. I ran into the teacher who supervised me during student teaching. He asked if I was teaching, and I said “No, I’m staying home with my daughter.” His response? “Why?” Like it was the weirdest thing he’d ever heard. Why? Why not? Not really your business, Mr. Student Teaching Supervisor. I have to really stop myself sometimes from saying, “I’m taking time off teaching to stay home with my daughter” because that sounds defensive and kind of belittles the work I do now - and Peanut is a way better student than any I’ve ever had. I don’t want to feel bad for my choice, and I would never make another mother feel bad about hers.

Here are some adjectives that describe Peanut:

Sassy, bossy, talkative, playful, energetic, creative, smart, beautiful, independent. And talkative.

It is the combination of these traits that I love about her, and I try to encourage them in her. Except for bossiness! And sometimes talkativeness. I am an introvert. I have days when I’d just rather not talk to anyone! But Peanut and her father…talk, talk, talk. The Little Guy could go either way at this point. Right now he pretty much sticks to “Mama” so that’s fine with me. Anyway, independence is one of the most important things I can foster in her. I don’t want her to depend on others for her happiness or well-being when she’s older; I want her to rely on herself and make herself happy and whole.

So we’ve been encouraging little bits of independence. For instance, we live in a safe neighborhood in an apartment complex. (Even in safe neighborhoods, you can’t be too careful.) The buildings form a U with the playground at the open end. A friend of mine lives across the parking lot with her partner and daughter, who is a bit younger than Peanut. I let Peanut run over (staying on the grass) and say hi and play for a few minutes with the little girl. I do this because I trust the mother and because I can watch her like a hawk from our place. It is like supervised independence.

We also allow her to go outside and run. She needs to do this sometimes in the evening because she has an energy surplus. Anyway, she is allowed to go down the sidewalk right in front of our place, run and run back, or in the backyard where we can watch her from the back door. She also takes chalk and draws on the sidewalk right out front. I watch her from the dining room window, so I know she’s safe. Again, it gives her a sense of being able to do something on her own, but we can be at her side in a second if she needs us, falls, or if a car or stranger appears. We are super-vigilant about stuff like that because a toddler can have independence to only a safe extent. They are not able to handle strangers, so you always have to be in ear/eye shot of your child. I’m not necessarily recommending that you have to let your child go outside if you’re not comfortable with that. I am only because I can see her all the time and she is very good about staying in the designated area. If you don’t feel that’s safe, you can allow your child to play in his room by himself or in a room while you’re in another one. Whatever it is so he can have some independence that is safe.

Sometimes we give her some independence when she takes it. For instance, if she said, “Hey Mom, can I go pour myself a cup of milk?” I would say, “No, I’ll do that for you. You can hold the cup and I’ll pour.” But one day, she came in with a cup of milk. “Where’d you get that?” Her father wasn’t home, and I didn’t get it. She’d done it herself. Getting a clean cup that was on the counter, she put it on a kitchen chair. She got the milk, which was light enough for her to lift and poured it. I was surprised she could do that on her own, but she could. Soon after, she started getting herself her own cup of Cheerios and milk. As long as the milk jug isn’t full, she’s all set.

I’m all for kids doing things for themselves. We make Peanut clean up after herself, and after her brother a lot of the time too. I know this isn’t fair, but we’ve told her that her brother isn’t old enough so we all have to help out. The other day, she was so proud of the baby when he was able to put the blocks they were playing with back into the box - so he’s learning to be a bit more independent too!

I think that toddlers need a balance of independence and help, and they set the pace. I would never have let Peanut do the milk thing, but that turned out great. We also let Peanut have a lot of choice, which encourages independence. She picks out her own clothes (so sometimes she wears pajamas to the store. So what? She’s three!), she puts on her own shoes (sometimes they’re on the wrong feet, but it’s more important to me that she gets pride from doing something herself. We can work on right/wrong feet), she picks out books and movies at the library. She does a lot for herself, which I think will be really useful when she’s older. It’s not so important that they get things “right” at this point but that they feel the confidence to take the risk and do things themselves.